I just got back from a nice long weekend in Northern California for my cousins wedding. She married one of Oakland's finest and are now off on their mini-moon.
I love weddings. It's the girliest thing about me. I love shows about weddings, wedding magazines and going to weddings. I've been to a lot in the past few years.
Maybe I love them so much because as a girl, it's one of the things I have not yet experienced so I can dream big when it comes to it. Maybe I wont be so into them after I have my own. I don't know, I'm not there yet.
Even though I like to flip through the pages of Martha Stewart Weddings, being in and going to a number of weddings has made much more realistic about what I would truly want on that day. Dreams can be hard to alter though.
This comes in to play with relationships as well. As I've said before I work in the jewelry industry. Many times, I have helped girls who are more interested in the quality of their diamond than the quality of their partner.
Lately I 've been talking to some friends who are in relationships that look good on paper, but don't really work in reality. And as time goes on, it becomes harder for them to walk away from that relationship.
For some it has to do with the time they have put in. For others, it has to do with feeling like they might miss out on this someone becoming great.
I know it is hard to walk away from those situations. Breaking up and moving on from a relationship is hard and it hurts. It's hard and hurts no matter what. But if the person you are with is not treating you in an honoring way, it 's time to go. If your partner has asked you to set yourself esteem aside so they can feel better, it's time to go. If you are waiting for he or she to become the person you want and they are not that person now, it's time to go.
Understand, I don't write from a place of successful relationships. If I was, I would be telling you all about my wedding. However, I write from a place of finding myself in the midst of those type of relationships and spending way too much time with someone that was not a good fit for me.
Are you settling? Are you worried you will be alone? Then maybe it is time for you to be alone for a while and do the work it takes to find out what you deserve and how you should be treated.
In the Bible, it says a man is supposed to love his wife like Christ loved the church. Which in turn means, he treasured them and died for them. Whether you believe in Jesus or not, it's a good precedent.
We all deserve to be treasured. We all deserve to love and be loved exactly where we are at. But real love does not bring fear or harm. It does not rob you of your self esteem or dignity. If the "love" your are experiencing is bringing those things, it's not love and it is really time to leave. It will be hard but it will be worth it.
One of my favorite parts of my cousins wedding was watching her and her new husband "pogo" together to one of their favorite songs. Watching how they played together said a lot about how they are going t live together. I know how much he cherishes her and how much she adores him.
I hope we all find that someone to pogo with.
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Oh my sister. You have no idea how much I need to read this at a place in my life that I am. I won't put more out publicly than that, other than thank you. And email me if you want to talk.
ReplyDeleteLove you
Kim
kimberleyap@gmail.com
Thanks for your thoughts Darcy.
ReplyDeleteLike most things, it's complicated. I have lots of thoughts about this, but "it's complicated" seems best when applied to relationships.
You said it, mama! I waited until 37 to get married and went through a lot of horrible relationships during my 20's and 30's. I love my husband and feel that he is a great partner for me, but my ideal of the "perfect man" doesn't even exist. I have had a very hard time in dealing with my husband's family, especially my mother in law who is an alcoholic/addict. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I would definitely never do it again if something ever happened to Chris or our relationship ended. My idea of what marriage is has changed drastically from what I thought it to be when I was single. I think most people settle because they get scared, but never settle!
ReplyDeleteAdrienne
Never set your self esteem aside, never settle... and keep your eyes open beyond those goals. Love involves compromise. The most important thing to me it seems, is the integrity of the love and being loving to each other through all the changes and shifts that occur as the two of you grow together. The happiest, older, sustained relationships seem to be with people who have suffered trials, see their personal dynamic achievements together as little victories and the stones that make up the foundation of the love they've built together. Makes the smiles they share that much more special and intimate. Pogoing, fidelity and laughter. A lot of laughter.
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