Help Out Our Adopted Family This Christmas

For the best 12 years I have with either a service club or with my friends adopted a family through the Orange County Child Abuse Prevention Center.

The center is an amazing place and really works to break the cycle of abuse. The believe in preventative education and not just putting a band-aid over a bullet wound.

The families receive donated items all year, but this is the one time of year they get gifted with all new things. If this speaks to you, please leave a comment to help.

Here is the family we have adopted for this Christmas:

Tammy is a single mother living with her son, Dang( 1.5). The maternal grandmother comes over to take care of Dang everyday while Tammy works during the day. Tammy's work hours recently were cut back due to the economy. Tammy had a miscarriage prior to Dang due to domestic violence with the father. Tammy was also pressured to get an abortion by father when pregnant with Dang, but she choose to not do it.Tammy currently doesn't get any financial or emotional support from the father. Tammy is struggling financially because she owes debt that the father owed before and can barely pay her bills. At the end of the month after paying for all the bills and the father's debt she only has $50 of cash left. Tammy is currently trying to get child support through family court. Despite Tammy's situation, Dang is a happy child and is learning how to speak. The family would greatly appreciate the help this holiday season.

Tammy Allucia
Who they are: Mother
Age: 38
Greatest Need: Sweater (M), turtle necks (M), Jeans (3), slacks( 3), blouse (M), bath towels, Tide detergent, shoes . Grocery coupon or gift card for organic whole milk and fruits.
Greatest Wish: Makeup , Macy’s Gift card, Target Gift Card, Guess watch

Grandmother Allucia
Who they are: Grandmother
Age: 65
Greatest Need: mini cupcake pan, bake ware, Non stick pot and pan set, Oscal (vitamin for bone) sweater. (L), scarf’s, winter hats, sweater (L), walking shoes (7). Grocery coupon or gift card for organic whole milk and fruits. non stick pot and pan set, Oscal (vitamin for bone) sweater. (L), scarves, winter hats,
Greatest Wish: DVD player, MP3 player or portable radio, Ross gift card. Wal-Mart or target gift card. Ross gift card. Wal-Mart or target gift card.

Dang Allucia
Who they are: Son
Age: 1.5
Greatest Need: Diapers (size 5 or 6). Wipes, Shoes and socks (size 6 or 61/2), Toddler hat, Storage cabinet with door for clothing. Johnson and Johnson Lavender shampoo. Books. Clothes- (2T-3T) for shirts, pants, jackets, sweaters, turtle neck. Grocery coupon or gift card for organic whole milk and fruits.
Greatest Wish: ABC floor mat, Leap Frog toys, toddler bike & helmet Toddler Christmas outfit (2-3T). Interactive toys. Imaginary 5-way giant bead maze cube (for manipulative skills), Wall paper or sticker (with animal), Little Tikes adjust and draw table. Imaginary 5-way giant bead maze cube (for manipulative skills), Wall paper or sticker (with animals), Little Tikes adjust and draw table.

If you can donate or want to just help wrap, anything is appreciated. We also can use wrapping paper, gifts bags, tissue, tape and boxes.


Best,

Darcy

The Reason Why Not

I have been thinking about reasoning a lot lately. Reasoning and the reasons why, we as people don't do certain things.

Hell, it's been a while since I've posted here, and I can give you a bunch of reasons, but the reality is I just didn't post, regardless of the "reason" it didn't get done. I can either chose to write on a daily basis or not. More than not I can find a reason not to. It's one of those things I can dismiss, even though I love to write and I'm passionate about it, it doesn't mean I always want to do it.

Now on the other hand, there are plenty of good reasons not to do something. When we are young, we are told not to touch the hot stove because it will burn us. But for some people, too many things become the hot stove and they don't touch anything for fear of getting burned.

We all know people who have the best intentions but no follow through. Usually they have a list of reasons why they cannot. And for every reason you list for why they can, they find more reasons why not.

I was talking to someone recently who has very clear visions of the things they want in life. But when I asked why this person was not actively pursuing those things, I was met with a slew of reasons why not. And granted, all the reasons sound and feel very valid. But the long and the short of it is that this person is not living in the present and is not truly participating in their life.

The key to it is not to have intention, but to move with real action. Move in a way that is taking you towards the things you want, not taking you in a circle.

You need to ask yourself, is this activity that I am concerning myself with really getting me closer to what I truly want or is it just keeping me busy until I can find enough courage to do what I really want?

And yes courage is part of it. Courage is required to face that which you are not sure of. If you wanna play it safe all the time more than likely you're not going to get want you really want.

This past summer I decided to go back to school to finish my degree. I have been talking about it for a long time, but was not being truly active in it. I had a lot of reasons why not for a long time, but then I ran out of reasons. Thank God. But I'm lucky in that sense, because some people never run out of reasons why not. Now I'm in school and I feel more free because I'm participating in my life. I'm doing something I wanted for so long and love it.

So what are your reasons why not? Is fear at the heart of them all? Do you surround yourself with others who keep feeding your reasons why not?

Yes you may fail, but then you can come at it in a different way. Then again, it may all be a wild success. However, every reason why not will continue to keep you from ever finding out.

So participate in your life. Get the reasons why not out of the way. I know it's hard to do it all at once, but the sooner you move the little reasons why not out of the way the sooner you can get to the big ones.

What Would You Give?

Friday night I went to The Rock in Fullerton to see a screening of, "Comedy, The Road Less Traveled." It's a documentary about comedian Michael Jr. and how he took comedy into places that really needed it. In the documentary he visits a youth correctional facility in Norwalk an HIV care facility in Ft. Worth, Texas called the Samaritan House, a home for drug endangered children in Colorado called the Dolphin House, and the Union Rescue Mission in downtown LA.

At the top of the documentary he poses the following questions:

1. Could you give if you had no resources or money?
2. If so, what would you give?

Michael Jr.'s gift is comedy, so he took comedy to people who really needed a laugh. But after the showing he got up and spoke and talked about the face that one of the facilities had really bad plumbing when he got there and really bad plumbing when he left because he was not a plumber. But he knew that someone out there was and could help.

He raises good points. People think many times that they cannot give because they don't have extra cash or extra stuff. But sometimes the things you do every day, your vocation or your hobby can be something that can help people in ways you never imagined.

Say for example you love to do crafts. Find a place you can volunteer and take the crafts to the women in a shelter. Granted, it may not give them a home, but it will give them respite from their situation for a while and help them return to feeling just like everyone else for a while.

If you're a musician, offer up your music where people can really use hearing some music. If you're a mechanic, see if you can help fix the cars of local charities or maybe even teach the people how to fix them.

None of us are short of gifts. We all have them. Now we just have to use them in the best ways we know how.

People are still people, the thing that separates us most times is our circumstances. Let's work to make that separation a little less.

I though it would be a quick renovation...

Sorry I 've been off the radar for so long. Things have been very busy and to be honest I've just been tired.

I have spent almost every Monday since the beginning of July tied to my house because our landlords are having renovations done and improvements made. And as with any home improvement project, once you fix one thing, something else undoubtedly needs to be fixed as well. This is how is has been going with our house. To date we have gotten a new roof, a new stove/oven, a new garage door, a new lock, a new kitchen fan, a new faucet in my bathroom, the water damage in the kitchen window fixed, a shade put on the patio, a new drain in the shower, a new seal on the fridge door, a new magnet for the fridge door to help it close, the fridge door raised, a motion sensor light, a wall painted, an old non functioning second water heater taken out, the walls re stuccoed, a new wind cap on the roof, a new sweep on the shower, and a new breaker in our power box.

Our contractors are great guys but to be honest, I'm tired of seeing them on Mondays or any of the other days we've had to call them out.

I feel like the same thing applies when we begin to renovate ourselves. We may think we are just going to work on one part of us, but little do we know that that one part is tied to so many others.

For example, you wanna lose weight so you start to change the way you eat. But then you figure out that eating isn't just eating, it's become an emotional response. So then we have to figure out what triggers that emotional response and so on and so on.

Many people quit when they are faced with this type of realization. They are worried that working on themselves will change to much and that they will lose more than they will gain. That is such a lie and you shouldn't believe it.

If my contractors stopped halfway through, I'd have a half finished house that I could not live in. The same goes with our emotional state. You are the only constant in your own life. So if things are breaking down in your life, it's time to look at what needs to be renovated. It's time to look for a good contractor to help you with that renovation. And yes, it's going to take some time, but the overall costs will be outweighed by the benefits.

If you started work and have stopped halfway through, get back to it. Live with a you that you want to live with. There is no shame in picking back up where you left off. Even if you have backtracked a little, it will be worth it.

The contractors have to come back a few more times. But all in all it's going to make our house a better place to live. Our bills will go down and things will last longer. It's not a time I have really enjoyed because it's required so much, but the end will be worth it.

Who Stole That?

In case you have been living in a cave over the past few years, you know we live in a time of intense social media. So if I post it, you know about it.

I have to say I'm a sucker for some of the hilarious conversations that get started based on things people post on Facebook. In fact just yesterday a whole tangent got started on the mere fact the I posted that I wanted to go swimming. It makes me appreciate my friends and their humor.

I've also noticed that there seems to have to be a person that wants to a party pooper on a post. For example, someone will post that they are going to a concert they are really excited about, Most people will respond with positive, upbeat comments like, "Have fun!" or "I wish I was going!" But then there's that one person who feels the need to bag on the band and talk about how much they suck. I know they think they're just being playful, but it takes some of the joy out of it.

I know people like this in life. They are the ones who always have to point out the negative or tear someone down in order to join in the conversation. I call these people, "joy stealers."

Now, I 'm not sitting here claiming I have never been a joy stealer. I assure you I have been. I've taken a bad attitude with someone or make a quippy comment that just takes all the steam out of something. But my choice is to work not to be a joy stealer.

We all have different loves and passions. We are not all gonna love the same things. God, how boring would that be not to mention getting concert tickets would be a real pain in the butt.

Sarcasm and biting humor are pretty easy defaults. Trust me, I could have a whole other blog about the things I would love to bag on or tear down when I get riled up. But I don't want to put that out there. I don't want to move into a higher place because I'm standing on someone else.

I hope we can all think a little before we speak or type and make sure we are not stealing joy from one another. People have enough in their lives to tell them they are not enough and don't measure up. I know for myself I don't want to add to that.

May today be full of joy and may there be something you are really excited about that no one can touch.

What the Hell Are You Eating?

A few years back I started on a weight loss journey. I had injured my knee at work and the 2 1/2 year battle with workers comp had kept me from doing much. So in turn I gained weight and ended up the heaviest I had ever been in my life. When I saw my vacation photos from that year, I about fell over because I didn't realize how I looked, it was a big wake up call.

I had never been a diet girl, so when I got on a weight loss program I learned very quickly that I had to change the way I ate and my lifestyle. By getting more disciplined with what I put in my mouth, I not only lost the weight but I was amazed at how good I felt. Overall, I had more energy, me knees felt better and my body functioned better.

After a while, I went it on my own away from the program and ended up gaining some of the weight back, I felt junky and my knees started hurting again. All of that came from the fact I just wasn't watching what I feed myself.

I think the same things happens depending on what we feed our spirit. If you feel bitter, hopeless or angry, what have you been feeding yourself? Are you feeding yourself "junk food" that causes you to grow negative and nasty feelings?

I know some of those feelings came come from other sources that are outside our control (bipolar disorders, depression, etc.) but even then we have to be aware of what we take into ourselves. Those disorders also have catalysts.

We live in a time where we can see and hear just about anything we want to. And though we may be desensitized to such things, that's not a good thing. That is the same type of effect really junky, sugary food has on our bodies. Our receptors are dull and we need more and more stimulus in order to feel right. So we keep chasing the high and we end up feeling worse afterward. Things we have seen and heard we cannot undo,and we injure ourselves the more we feed off of it.

Often times, we surround ourselves with people who reinforce our behavior. That's why for a lot of people who are battling their weight, it can be hard to make a healthy change because the people they are around are not reinforcing that chance and encouraging it.

The same goes for our attitudes and the spiritual things we feed ourselves. If you are battling an addiction and want to make a break from it, more than likely you are going to have to meet with people who are also trying to break away from it. You don't want to continually surround yourself with people who will drag you back to that addiction.

It doesn't even need to be as severe as addiction. It can even be as simple as an attitudinal change. If the people around you are nasty and bitter people who don't want to grow, you more than likely are one of them or will become one of them. The things they continue to feed into themselves are not moving them to a place of hope or affirmation.

In order for me to lose the weight again, I had to get back to the good things I had been doing.

Examine the things you are "feeding" yourself. Are you filling up on spiritual junk food or being choosy?
And if you are filling up on junky things, maybe it's time for a weight loss program of the spirit. I know that will look different for everyone, but move towards health. Maybe it;s time to go back to therapy after not going for a while, maybe it's time to get back to church. Find what ways work for you or have in the past. And know, that it may feel wierd, it may feel like you cannot return to that place of health, but it's not too late.

I Knew You When

I dream when I sleep. Lately I have been dreaming a lot about people from my past. Naturally, when I wake up from those dreams, I am thinking about the person I was dreaming about. I wonder how they are and where life has taken them. Sometimes I even say a prayer for them.

And of course, it's hard to think about a person from my past without thinking about the role I played in their life. Sometimes it was a good one and sometimes a bad one.

The good roles don't trip me up as much as the bad ones do. People I wasn't as kind to as I could have been, failed relationships, etc. Those are the people I wish I could see again and be a better person to them. But I know I may never have that closure. So knowing that, that is where grace comes into play.

If we are truly doing the work in our life that we are supposed to do, then we are always growing and changing. Which means, that the person we used to be no longer exists in the form people once knew. And hopefully the people we once knew are not the same either.

There is an Avett Brothers song called, "The Perfect Space," and it has the lyrics:
I wanna have friends, that I can trust.That love me for the man I've become not the man that I was

Those lyrics speak to me because it's something I want, and I want for others as well. But it's definitely something that is easier said than done. It means that we have to let go of not only our ideas of someone, but in many cases our past experiences with them as well. We have to forgive and try and understand where someone was and where they are now. Again, that is where grace comes into it.

I know I'm not the same person I was 5 and 10 years ago. I also know I am not the same person I was a few months ago. It's my hope that we could all make that statement and it is not only true but it is a positive thing.

About seven years ago, I interviewed the two Coreys about "The Lost Boys" sequel. The interview went well, both were really nice guys. One of the things I observed though was he dynamic between the two of them. Corey Feldman had clearly grown and changed over the years. He had gotten married and moved into a different space in his life working to become the man he wanted to be. Corey Haim (God rest his soul.) was clearly struggling with himself and was trying to engage Feldman as if they were still teenage boys. Although they did not express it on that day, the friction was clearly there. Haim was holding onto the idea of the Feldman he once knew and Feldman was being the man he'd become. 

Are we doing that to people in our own life? Are we moving forward but continually trying to make someone play a role they not longer fit?

If we find that to be the case we are causing them harm. We need to try and have fresh eyes and see who they are today and in turn hopefully they will see us as the person we have become. If you are on the other end of that, then it's time to move away from that person until they can see you for who you are now.

I pray the people from my past are all doing well. I hope that they are prosperous and are becoming the men and women they want to be. And for all of you, I hope to see you all with fresh eyes I look forward to the growth and change that is in store.

Some Musings about the 4th on the 5th.

The Fourth of July always makes me feel like summer is really here. Living in Southern California it can be hard to know when summer really starts and ends. But I really love the 4th for all the fun family time, burgers and dogs, kids running around all excited, and of course fireworks.

I was at a two different celebrations yesterday and had a great time at both. At the second one, is where I got to watch fireworks. While they were going off, one of my friend's daughters was running around waving an American flag and shouting, "Happy Fourth of July," over and over. Her enthusiasm was great. It reminded me how much I love where I live. Not just the city and county, but the country I live in.

I'm not here to take sides on any political situation. I just want to say that I love our country. I love that I have the freedom to write a political blog if I want to. I have a right to vote and speak freely. I have a right to bear arms and a right to sway what is going on in our country. I love that our constitution starts with, "We the People..." and that it can truly be that way if we continue to fight for it. I love that those of us who do comedy can really do any joke we want because of our freedom.

My father came to this country from England in 1959, he spent a homeless winter on the streets and then joined the Air Force because at the end they promised him his U.S. Citizenship. He served our country and became a citizen and still flies the American flag every day of his life. Our country didn't promise him that he would have a better life, but our freedom gives everyone the opportunity to have one. Dad and I may not agree on politics all the time, but I love how patriotic he is and how much he loves the country that has given him so many chances at starting over.

Some people chalk up patriotism to a Republican or conservative thing. I don't really think that's true. I don't think you have to agree with each others politics in order to love our country and be patriotic. I think our country was built by men and women who really wanted a place where we could be free to voice our opinions whether we agreed with each other or not. I know 234 years ago, times were a little simpler. I know they were not facing the same issues we face today, but I think if we can hold onto those simpler truths, we can still live in a great land.

I'll get off my red, white, and blue soap box now, but I am proud to be an American.

I hope you all had a safe and happy 4th.

A Good and Quick Reminder

Last night I went to see some friends do comedy at the Irvine Improv. It was a great night of laughter and getting to see them do what they were really made to do.

I also write (duh) and perform comedy and it was a reminder to keep moving towards the things I am meant to do.

This morning, I just want to encourage you all to keep focused on what you are made for. Keep moving towards it.

A short and sweet reminder this morning.

You should get what you deserve.

I just got back from a nice long weekend in Northern California for my cousins wedding. She married one of Oakland's finest and are now off on their mini-moon.

I love weddings. It's the girliest thing about me. I love shows about weddings, wedding magazines and going to weddings. I've been to a lot in the past few years.

Maybe I love them so much because as a girl, it's one of the things I have not yet experienced so I can dream big when it comes to it. Maybe I wont be so into them after I have my own. I don't know, I'm not there yet.

Even though I like to flip through the pages of Martha Stewart Weddings, being in and going to a number of weddings has made much more realistic about what I would truly want on that day. Dreams can be hard to alter though.

This comes in to play with relationships as well. As I've said before I work in the jewelry industry. Many times, I have helped girls who are more interested in the quality of their diamond than the quality of their partner.

Lately I 've been talking to some friends who are in relationships that look good on paper, but don't really work in reality. And as time goes on, it becomes harder for them to walk away from that relationship.

For some it has to do with the time they have put in. For others, it has to do with feeling like they might miss out on this someone becoming great.

I know it is hard to walk away from those situations. Breaking up and moving on from a relationship is hard and it hurts. It's hard and hurts no matter what. But if the person you are with is not treating you in an honoring way, it 's time to go. If your partner has asked you to set yourself esteem aside so they can feel better, it's time to go. If you are waiting for he or she to become the person you want and they are not that person now, it's time to go.

Understand, I don't write from a place of successful relationships. If I was, I would be telling you all about my wedding. However, I write from a place of finding myself in the midst of those type of relationships and spending way too much time with someone that was not a good fit for me.

Are you settling? Are you worried you will be alone? Then maybe it is time for you to be alone for a while and do the work it takes to find out what you deserve and how you should be treated.

In the Bible, it says a man is supposed to love his wife like Christ loved the church. Which in turn means, he treasured them and died for them. Whether you believe in Jesus or not, it's a good precedent.

We all deserve to be treasured. We all deserve to love and be loved exactly where we are at. But real love does not bring fear or harm. It does not rob you of your self esteem or dignity. If the "love" your are experiencing is bringing those things, it's not love and it is really time to leave. It will be hard but it will be worth it.

One of my favorite parts of my cousins wedding was watching her and her new husband "pogo" together to one of their favorite songs. Watching how they played together said a lot about how they are going t live together. I know how much he cherishes her and how much she adores him.

I hope we all find that someone to pogo with.

Seperation Between Church and Work?

I was listening to a This American Life podcast yesterday. It was their "Poultry Slam 2008" episode. A show dedicated to birds and the supernatural.

One of the stories was about a labor dispute that has been going on in a poultry processing plant in North Carolina. The workers in this plant have been trying to unionize due to horrible unsafe working conditions and their rights being violated. A few years back, the man who leads the workers in this effort, went and talked to the plant managers Episcopal priest in an attempt to see if he could appeal to the managers core value system. The idea that if a man claimed to be a Christian and to follow Christ, shouldn't that man be treating his workers better. Shouldn't that manager be standing with the poor and weak and helping them instead of hindering them.

The priest did come down to the plant on the day of the union vote to talk to the manager, ultimately it seems, the manager felt the priest was involving himself in something that was none of his business.

The reporter of this particular story also cited other examples of workers talking to clergy of all walks about  helping their causes in situations where the workers rights were being violated.

What is the job of clergy in modern day? Is bringing a priest, pastor, or rabbi in to deal with such matters going to far? How far should the influence of a person's community reach?

In the past and even in some places today a man and his boss would have attended the same church.Would that circumstance make it more acceptable for clergy to be involved? Should clergy be involved at all?

I am interested to hear your thoughts on this.

May your work week be peaceful and safe.

Knock It Off!

Sorry it's been almost 10 days folks. Life has been throwing a lot at me and I've needed to make space for things like cleaning and more cleaning. We've also been on the hunt for a roommate and my Dad had eyelid surgery yesterday. Things are still hectic, but here I am where I still should be, writing.

Today I had to drive to downtown LA for work. I do the drive a few times a month. Usually I listen to Cd's or my Ipod in the car. Today though, I actually turned on the radio. KROQ played a song by Big B called "Sinner."
Below are the lyrics:

I know, I know, I live the life of a sinner
But when it comes to other women, you're the only one hun so this is the beginning
Let's go, let's go
Let's live the life of a sinner
And we'll be living on the run, right here in the California sun

First of all I'd like to thank you for accepting this collect call
And to tell you that what you're bout to here is sincere
It's not the drugs or the alcohol
I know you said that it had to end
I don't expect you to bail me out again
But right now girl, you're my only friend
It's true, I did you wrong, for way too long
But that's the past so let's move on
It's a new song, so let it play on and on
From dusk to dawn
'Till the neighbors complain
Or the cops come

Oh the life of a sinner
In the California sun

I know, I know, I live the life of a sinner
But when it comes to other women, you're the only one hun so this is the beginning
Let's go, let's go
Let's live the life of a sinner
And we'll be living on the run, right here in the California sun

I wouldn't blame you if you just hung up
I understand that you're getting fed up
I can't say that this is the last time that this will happen
But I try, oh yes, I try
I say I wanna change, but I lie, oh yes I lie
And you know I stay consistent, yeah I ain't perfect but at least I admit it
And I ain't never gonna change, and don't forget it.

I know, I know, I live the life of a sinner
But when it comes to other women, you're the only one hun so this is the beginning
Let's go, let's go
Let's live the life of a sinner
And we'll be living on the run, right here in the California sun

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

Why don't you come and take a trip on the dark side
Just me and you sitting side by side
You can't knock [? ] until you seen it
I said this'd be the last time but this time I mean it
So let your head down, let your shoes get dirty
Let's take it slow yo there's no need to hurry
I'm a hold your hand the whole way so girl don't worry
No, don't worry

Na na na na na na No don't worry na na na na na na na na na na na na

I know, I know, I live the life of a sinner
But when it comes to other women, you're the only one hun so this is the beginning
Let's go, let's go
Let's live the life of a sinner
And we'll be living on the run, right here in the California sun
Let's go, let's go
Let's live the life of a sinner
And we'll be living on the run, right here in the California sun

 I'm not going to go on about how he should look for redemption. (Although I think we can all be redeemed.) What strikes me is the idea of asking someone to settle.

Love songs used to be about love, or I've done you wrong  and I've changed and please take me back. There seems to be a whole slew of songs and ideology out there about the idea that we should settle for what we've been dealt and not look for any better. The idea that people can treat us badly and that because we've known them for a time, that we should just accept their bad behavior.

What a crock of s#*t that idea is!!!

I'm sorry I just don't think we need to settle for people being bad or behaving badly towards us  and others.

We all have that friend that acts jerky more than not, but no one calls them out on it. We need to. We need to truly be that persons friend and have a hard, yet truthful talk about the way they affect us. It might feel awkward, but it will cause your friendship to grow.


I know a lot of people who say people cannot change. They just are as they are and we need to accept them as such. I think people stay the same because we allow them to. Think about the people who have caused the greatest change in your own life. I bet that change wasn't easy at the time, but you probably look back and are thankful for it. We need to be catalysts for each other.



Granted, I don't want every interaction with my friends to be "hard" conversations. But I wouldn't really feel like someone was truly my friend if they couldn't call me out on bad behavior.


And those people who keep trying to send the message that you need to just accept their bad behavior may need to be gone  from your life. I know it sounds cliche, but they just want to drag you down with them and keep you on their level so they don't have to grow.

Who is your life are you telling it's okay to behave badly? Who could you be a catalyst for? These are not always easy questions to ask, but they are worth answering.

Ok, that's it for now, my brain is fried and I need to turn it off for a while. I will see you all sooner than  later.

Did You Get My Meaning? Yeah, If You Meant to Be a Jerk! (Challenge 5)

I try not to write like an extended Hallmark Card. I don't want to come across sounding trite or overly touchy feely. I strive to be genuine and write from a place we all come from at some time.

I really feel like even though we live in a time where we can be communicated with at any time, I don't believe we are really communicating most of the time. Textual communication (including this blog) can lose all tonal context, all emotional emphasis and sometimes do more damage than good. It has bled over into our speaking interactions as well. I don't believe we are as choosy with what we actually say to people because we are so used to textual chit-chat and assumptions that the other person will "know what we meant by that text." We should be in a place where we are checking in more with each other, but we are checking in less.

Have you ever been to a party where there's a guy or girl who has to make a comment about every conversation or every person? Then by the end of the night you are so annoyed by them you wished you had never met them in the first place. Social networking sites have made all of us that guy or girl at some point. Some of us are still that guy or girl.

Granted, I update Facebook and Twitter in the go, I'm not free from that. But I really watch myself on when I'm doing it. I watch people pull our their Iphones, Droids, and Blackberrys at the worst times though. I have had friends say they have missed talking to me and then in the middle of our conversation pull out their phone and start messing with it all under the caveat of, "keep talking, I'm listening." It devalues the whole situation and I've been guilty of it too.

So here is the next challenge in the returning dignity project and really in the, "I want to be a better friend and listen more so I value you project."

Challenge 5: Work to increase your vocal communication and to decrease your textual communication This means call someone instead of text if possible. (Phone we actually designed to talk on. I know crazy right?) Actually work to see someone face to face. And when you do keep your phone in your pocket or in your purse and give them your full attention. Let them know you value you them completely. If you need to use textual communication, make sure you are checking in with someone and acknowledging the textual communication with verbal communication.

This projects goal as I have said many times before is to make everyday interactions more genuine. Real relationships aren't built out of comments and quips. They are built our of spending intentional time interacting with one another.

I hope this challenge helps you find your relationships getting stronger and better.

Membership Has It's Concerns

I was part of a discussion last night about what made a community that I take part in, good. What was right about it and was working or firing?

The main idea people kept coming back to was that it was a truly safe place. Not safe in the sense that deals with physical safety. Safe in the sense that deals with emotional and personal safety. The safety you can feel when people allow you to truly be who you are and where no one is trying to fix you. And for some people that personal and emotional safety ties directly into their physical safety, e.g. not having to worry about hate crime.


It was clear that the community is a safe place. But what truly safe places do we have in our daily lives? And are we someone who is making it safe for someone else?

It saddens me that places which claim to be safe such as churches, are not really safe for so many people. They may tout that "all are welcome," but when you get down to the nitty gritty of it, it's just not true. But by no means are churches the only offenders. (I do go to church by the way)  There are social clubs and organizations all around the world that say you are welcome if you look and act just like us.

That doesn't leave much room for everyone else.

Even if you don't meet every week, I think we can personally work on giving people safe places. However, in order to do that, it means we need to be willing to accept people exactly where they are at. We cannot shy away from their brokenness. We need to let them share it and just be who they truly are. At the same time, we do not need to fix them. We do not need to have all the answers. Sometimes people just need to talk, people just need to be listened to.

I'm sure if we all dig a little deeper, we will find that there is hunger for true safety and true freedom as we all stumble along together. If we want to be safe, we need to make sure we are making it safe for others. That we don't put issues above someones dignity or life. That we show each person that in the midst of brokenness they still have great value. That we can show each other love.

Becasue You Asked....

Cleaning yesterday got me to thinking about people who are no longer in our lives. I'm not talking about people who have passed on but those who are very much alive, but we are no longer in relationship with them.

Sometimes it has to do with our own growth. People do outgrow each other sometimes. Many times in that situation, it is our own choice to move on. That makes it a little easier.

Other times, it is due to a break up or should I say break down of a relationship, most often romantic.

As a teenager, things were always much more dramatic when it came to love and the loss of that love. I know many of us can recall a time when we fought so hard and probably as we thought then, so romantically, to win that person back. I can also recall that not really working so well and causing more damage.

I would love to claim that all my adult break ups have been calm and mature. That is not the case. When emotions and especially strong emotions get involved, it's very hard to walk away or truly leave someone alone. That comes a lot from our own need for self preservation and desire for something not to be over. Then when we realize that it is truly over, we then seek the need for closure. Without closure, it can seem like the relationship never happened.

Here's the hitch. We expect people in the end of a relationship to behave in ways they never did in the relationship. It doesn't really work that way.

For example: If you were in a relationship with someone who ran and hid every time there was conflict, why would you expect them to face you during the conflict that comes with the end of the relationship?

My friend was wondering aloud the other day why his ex-girlfriend had not contacted him since their break-up.

"When you broke up with her, did you ask her to leave you alone for a while?"
"Yes, I told her I needed to have time to sort things out and protect myself for a while."
"Well, she hasn't contacted you because you asked her not to and she is respecting that request."
"Oh...but I still figured she would call or email or something."
"So you didn't really want her to leave you alone? What you really wanted was for her to chase after you."

He looked a little dumbfounded.

"I guess so."

If we are looking at how our relationships are going, we need to examine not just the big things and grand moments. We need to think about the small things we said. Did we actually want the person to read our mind and to "know" what we needed? Are we not in relationship with that person anymore because the person was actually responding to the exact words we said and are acting on them?

I'm not saying that looking at every little thing in a damaged relationship will fix it. That can do more damage than good. But what I am saying is that we do need to pay attention to the things we say and the needs we express. If we want a desired result, we cannot set the other person up to fail. We need to communicate our needs and not force the other person to go digging around to get to the heart of the matter. In other words, we all need to start being more honest. If we are as honest and respectful to someone in a break up as we were when we first began that relationship, both people will come away better for it.

I pray that all your relationships grow stronger every day. I pray you can hold onto the people you should and let go of those who need to move on.

Cleaning and Moving and Monkeying Around

I have been cleaning out things today. My email inbox being the most recent thing. I came across a lot of emails that I forgot I had kept. I had 708 messages. Now granted many of those were from email lists. But some of those emails were from times past and from people who were only in my life for a season. And some that surrounded painful times and times of extreme growth due to that pain.

I deleted a lot of emails today, there are only 37 left now.

Those were things I needed to let go of. Things I needed to clean out of my life. I know it sounds a little dramatic for email, but we are in a space where deleting emails is like throwing away old cards and letters. It's not always easy and it's not always fun. In fact it made me a little tired as it had me thinking back to events and people that I have parted ways with. Some I am glad to be free from and some that were harder to let go of. But there really is a freedom in hitting the "empty" button on my trash. Those ties to the past are gone and I am a little freer for it.

It has me thinking about other things that we tie ourselves to by keeping those things around. Maybe it's a trinket or a postcard. Many times it's photos or messages.

The question is: Are we tying ourselves to things that are adding to our life or weighing us down?

I'm not saying to throw all sentimentality out the door. I am definitely a sentimental person. But are we holding onto that "thing" that is keeping us from moving forward?

A friend of mine and I were talking once about moving on and he compared it to a monkey swinging on vines through the jungle. The monkey has to let go of the last vine in order to keep swinging and moving forward. If not, he'll just hang there between two vines, not going anywhere. Are you just hanging there?

Letting go of these things can lead us to let go of the emotional ties that bind as well. I know that cleaning out these things can be hard or, but it really is a step forward and into more growth. We need to keep growing and evolving. If not, we will die.

I'm off to clean more, to rid myself of more and make space for the better things to come. I hope you can get some cleaning done this week as well.

I'm With Ya Fellas

My day job is in jewelry. I buy and sell and appraise and order and all the things that come along with it. And as on many "holiday" weekends, men come in to buy their sweetie something for that "holiday." Today it was men coming in for Mother's Day.

I really feel for you guys. I do. I know it has to be hard to know that your lady wants jewelry and that you want to make her happy, but probably you're gonna get something close but not close enough. I know many of you come in trying to put thought into a gift instead of just giving her cash or a gift card and that but she may be picky as all get out. It's hard. Us ladies, we can be tough to shop for.

Now there are a lot of ladies who are gracious about any gift they get. To you ladies, I toast. (I am one of those ladies.) But there are women out there (I cannot not call them ladies as they do not act like them) that bitch and moan about whatever gift they are given. It's not nice enough. It's not expensive enough, etc. etc.

Being involved with a woman like that or any person like that just has to suck. Never feeling like you are good enough.

So here's my question...is there someone in our own lives we are holding to the same standards? Are there actions toward us never quite enough?

This is where grace comes in. And you know what, grace is hard. It is hard to give grace to people. I know I struggle with it quite a bit. When people offend me I wanna retaliate or speak ill of them, but it's not a good thing to do. Those things harden us as people.

We need to practice grace in order to get better at it. We need to be thankful and accepting of people where they are at. Because when we love people where they are at, it allows them to become the people they want to be. It is a kind of freedom.

Fellas, I hope all your mother's and wives love the gifts you picked out for them this week. And ladies, be kind if they missed the mark, at least they were trying.

The Returning Dignity Project Challenge #4

I was at a birthday celebration at True North the other night and a really cool thing happened. Each person's whose birthday we were celebrating got birthday affirmations.

I know you're probably thinking about Stuart Smalley here, but in no way was it cheesy or cliche. Each person who spoke, really spoke from the heart. In only a few words, you could see how it blessed the person it was being spoken to.

People get told all the time in their daily lives about what they are doing wrong or how they are coming up short. It really breaks people down and wears them down until those things just become burdens and wounds. People do not get told enough that they are right or good.

So the next add on to the Returning Dignity Project is to affirm people. Especially people who it has not been so easy to affirm. Maybe they have wronged you or frustrated you lately. Let's see who can be built up and changed through this.

Here is a quick recap of the first four steps of this project:

1. Call someone by name who you wouldn't usually called by name.
2. Learn the name of someone you interact with on a regular basis but don't know.
3. Find a way to take away a small burden instead of load one on.
and now:
4. Affirm people in your life especially those who it may be hard to affirm.

I've been a bit spotty in the writing this week, but I will be getting back to my normal schedule next week.

I hope this finds you all well and I look forward to seeing how the project is changing your lives and those around you.

Some Whys Behind the What

I went to a church gathering tonight. One that I knew I needed to go to, but wasn't sure why or what to expect. My friend Keith is part of it and I have not seen him in a long time. I didn't know if he would recognize me or if I would know anyone else. I get a little socially anxious at times and was feeling nervous, but I went anyway.

I pulled into the parking lot and there were not that many cars. I parked and approached the front door cautiously. As I opened it I saw Keith and just a handful of other people. I was not more than a  foot inside the door, when he looked up, smiled and said, "Darcy!" I breathed a sigh of relief knowing I was seen and known and the rest of the night was glorious.

That feeling of being seen and known it part of the reason for the Returning Dignity Project. PEOPLE FEEL INVISIBLE. And for many people their daily lives reinforce that feeling and make it not just a feeling but a truth in their life.

Everyone of us are broken. Everyone of us needs healing. However, we cannot embrace healing unless we embrace the brokenness. A very wise friend of mine has said, "You do not need to tell people they are broken or wrong. They already know." This is so full of truth I can barely stand it. I want us to be a community of people who engages with people in a way that does not tell them these things, but instead shows them their value and their worth. This is part of why I started the Returning Dignity Project.

We are all part of the human community and we all need to be more humane to each other. I don't care about your belief systems, I don't care about your lifestyle choices. I don't care about your gender or race. Healing and helping each other is above all of those things. We can be an amazing community working together to reach more and more people everyday.

I am so excited about the fact that I am seen and known, but I am more excited about the people we will touch.

Thank you for being a part of this!

PS-Thanks to Tye and Adam for very quotable things.

Cause I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane...and I'll be back on Monday

 I have a Benadryl hangover this morning. Boooooo. It's that time of year when my allergies kick up and my head feels like it's in a vice grip and I need to take meds to help it. The only issue it that I am so sensitive to allergy meds, that I can only take the drowsy making kind right before bed. I slept well but woke up this morning set on slow motion. Ugh.

Not only do I need to write this morning, but I also need to pack for a trip I am not leaving on until Friday night. I'm going to a family friend's wedding and I am traveling separate from my folks. They leave tomorrow early in the morning and I am having them take my luggage ahead of me so I don't have to check a bag on the plane.

Trips have always been a weird thing for me. Although I enjoy seeing new places and spending time with my friends and family, there is always this sense of my life being put on hold while I am gone. Like my life at home doesn't exist while I'm away. It's a very Schrodinger of me. But of course I know that my life is not on hold because I'm not on hold and so on and so on.

This area of thought has kept me from going on trips in the past because I was worried I'd miss something back home. The bigger issue there is that I am missing out on a new experience and a new part of my life.
I still struggle with that concept sometimes.

I have friend who has a constant "to do" list and it keeps him from really enjoying life. People used to ask him all the time to go places and do things with them. But many times he would come back with the "to do" list followed up by promises of "next time." And when "next time" came so do the "to do" list. Over the years, people have stopped asking him to do things and have almost given up on him. It's not that they don't love him, it's just that the other people want to go out and experience and live. He has made his choices and to quote another friend, "Sometimes the choices we make, make others for us."

I still try and engage my fore mentioned friend, but I know that for the most part I too will be beat out by the "to do" list. That makes me sad not only for our friendship, but for him.

What comforts and routine are we choosing over real experience and action? What places should we be going other than home and to bed?

I'll be back on Monday. My life will be different, not because I stayed home but because I went.

And now John Denver....

The Returning Dignity Project Challenge #3 and We Need a Logo

Word had been getting more out about The Returning Dignity Project. That gets me really more and more excited about the whole thing.

The whole idea of this project is to make everyday personal interactions more genuine..

I have been thinking about the old adage, "That was the straw that broke the camel's back." The idea that something so small is the thing that finally pushed an already exacerbated situiation over the limit.

I think many times we all say things or do things that are snarky or mean and don't think about the true consequences of those words or actions.

What if making a quip about someone's relationship was the final dig they "needed" to go and end that relationship? What if a sarcastic comment to someone only rooted them more in shame?

Do we want to be the straw that breaks anyone's back?

This is your challenge for the week...

When the temptation comes up to be harsh, sarcastic or dismissive; instead take a step back and work on saying something to build up that person or be supportive of them in a genuine way. This way we can help lessen each others load and make the day or even just the moment a little bit easier.

Onto to some business. The RDP needs a logo we can use in our Twitter feed @retrningdignity and to use for the project ingeneral. Any ideas? If you want to send me some, email me at lilheater@yahoo.com and we can go from there.

Happy Tuesday everone and I look forward to seeing how challenge #3 unfolds for everyone.

Nerdfighters and Geeks and Fan Girls, Oh My!

What does a girl do after a late Saturday night of celebrating St. George's Day with her friends and family? A night where  there were cries of "Absinthe!" heard from the kitchen. A night where people ended up sliding into the very unheated pool at midnight. (That's my mom holding a tasty English treat!)

Does she end up at a late night diner eating breakfast food at two in the morning? Does she sleep in and drag herself into a coffee shop wearing yesterdays clothes?

Nope.

This girl goes to the LA Times Festival of Books to join other Nerdfighters in watching John Green of the Vlogbrothers (http://www.youtube.com/user/vlogbrothers) speak on a panel about the new book he co-authored with David Levithan. ("Nick and Nora's Infinate Playlist" and "Boy Meets Boy"  It's called "Will Grayson, Will Grayson."

I love literary talk as much as the next writer and reader, but I really went to sit in a room full of Nerdfighters to have John Green ask us to be part of a Vlogbrothers video and to talk about the book and to stand in line after the talk and take pictures of him and David signing and to have him sign my book. And those things all happened.

I got more surprises yesterday. I really had no idea who else would be signing or appearing yesterday. Even though the LATFOB posted all the appearances, I was truly only there to see John Green. So as I was wandering around, I happened upon John Carter Cash reading his book, "Daddy Loves his Little Girl," to an audience of parents and children. Then after he finished, he sang "Will the Circle Be Unbroken?"


I couldn't believe it. There was the one and only offspring of Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash (He is indeed the only child they had together.) reading and singing one of his family songs as he called it.


So I jotted over to the tent where they were selling his book, bought it and got in line to have him sign it. We chatted for a moment and I got my picture with him.


Awesome.


The next surprise was that I happened upon Mark Todd and Esther Pearl Watson signing at the Giant Robot booth. They both do some of my favorite cartoons. I bought copies of their smaller books and they not only signed, but did small drawings for me as well. I was on the verge of exploding at this point.

It was just such a great day. I write all this not just to share with you but to encourage you as well. We all have things that we are nerdy and geeky about. Things that we cannot help but be excited about. One girl in particular reminded me of this yesterday.

When I was in line to get John and David to sign my book, I ran into this girl who recognized me from the panel when I had asked a question. She was probably about 16 years old and she was dressed like Spock, ears and all. She was so comfortable about her fandom. So comfortable about being herself. It was so great to see. I love the nerd and geek culture because of that.

I am a fan girl. I may contain it better than others at times, but I am a tride and true nerdy, geeky, fan girl. It's why I love conventions and concerts and anything where fans are involved. I love the places where you can let all your childlike excitement hang all over the place and drool all over the thing you love. I love people who are not afraid to share themselves and the things they love. It takes me back to being a little kid and trying to explain to my parents why the toy I wanted was so cool, why a show I was watching was so important.

We are told on a daily basis to stay cool. To keep it on the inside and to leave those types of things behind us. But we all have something we are nerdy about. We all have something we geek out about. Whether it is music or movies or comics or scooters or Star Trek. There is a nerdy, geek fan boy or girl that lives inside us all.

I wonder what would happen if we got more excited about things. I wonder what would happen if we could be more ourselves and let that type of excitement spill out into all aspects of our lives.

What are you the biggest fan of? What draws out your inner nerdy, geeky, fan boy or girl? Maybe it's not a thing or event. Maybe it's a person. Whatever it is, let the excitement runneth over!
 

I got one more surprise yesterday. I am also a big old coffee nerd. You got questions, I got answers. I'm drinking coffee right now as I write this. After the LATFOB, I picked up my friend Curby from the airport. He spent last week in Hawaii for work. He brought me a souvenir.  Well done Curby. Well done.

"Have we met?"....."Oh, we've met!"

Years ago Head and Shoulders dandruff shampoo used the slogan "You never get a second chance to make a first impression."

In some ways I agree. I mean people would definitely remember you if you were the person all covered in dandruff when they met you.

But numerous times, we encounter people who we have met before and the encounter for both parties was not memorable. I'm not saying that it was a bad first meeting, it was just not a meeting that set anything int stone for either party involved.

That leads me to believe that you do many times get a second chance to make a first impression.

So what then? If our idea of someone can be set in stone by our first encounter with them, (an awkward evening, a mean comment, a social blunder) are we doing them a disservice? Are we telling them and ourselves that there is no chance for growth in this person and that they are going to stay the way they are forever? We may be doing just that.

We are all going through change in our lives, some of it incredibly tough and transformative. When we encounter other people, we also encounter what they are going through. Sometimes those things line up nicely and other times they can rub up against each other the wrong way.

For example: if you a someone who is working to re-associate yourself into a group of friends after someone in that group has been particularly mean encounters someone new in that group who makes a mean comment, they may very well not want to associate with that person because they have labeled them as mean. Where the person who said the mean comment may have just been trying to be funny because they feel awkward about being new to the group.

Get it?

I think we need to approach each other with fresh eyes more than we do. We need to allow others to make a new first impression. How many times have you said something to the effect of: "I can't believe they still think I'm like that?!" Yet, how many times do we do the very same thing to other people. We assume that they are exactly the same as when we met them and give them no chance to be more of who they are. This can cause us to miss out on some really great relationships.

Who will you let make a second "first impression" on your life? Who do you want to make a second "first impression" on?

I hope you have fresh eyes today and see each other in a new light today. (Oh, and that none of you are covered in dandruff.)

The Truth Will Set You Free...Or Piss Off Your Friends.

Last night I was a messenger of truth to one of my friends. It started as one of those conversations that seems like it will be light and touch on a little depth, but then somehow ends up 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

It was a conversation that left my friend reeling and me praying after we got off the phone. My friend needed time to go and process and I asked for coverage and protection in that time.

Sometimes I wish I was the messenger of candy and not a messenger of truth.

Messenger of candy would be so much more fun. I could call up all my friends and say, "Guess what? I have a lifetime supply of Twix for you!" I could show up at their door step and shower them with malted milk balls. I could sneak to their house at night and fill their car with gummy bears.

What an awesome job that would be.

Sadly, that's not my job. My job is to be a good friend. My job is to be intentional and to be committed to speaking truth even when it's not fun.

As a child, I came up against lies constantly in my own life. Not just those typical childhood ones about gift-giving mythical people and creatures, but really life-changing lies. Lies that caused me not to trust and not to engage with people in healthy ways. It has taken a lot of work to undo those things, but I have done and still do the work. That is why I always want to speak truth into the lives of those around me.

Truth is relative. So a truth for one person may not be truth for another. This makes it all the more tricky.

We all claim to want truth in our lives and to live honestly, but when it comes down to it, it is a really hard thing. Truth is hard to hear. It's hard to process. It's hard to apply even after we have heard and processed it. The changes that come from having lies stripped out of our lives can change our jobs, our friends and our families. Because even though we may now know greater truth in our lives, the people around us may not be ready for it either.

It's a lot.

A lot for us and the people around us. But if we commit to only speaking truth and not allowing destructive things to foster, the shifts around us will become easier. We will surround ourselves with people who also want truth and there is great freedom in that.

I truly pray for a day when all the people I know and love and even the people I don't know or love have a freedom to truly be who they are. The freedom to grow and change and to become the people they want to be.

I can try and be the messenger of candy all I want, but eventually my friends will all just get fat and mad at me. Because all I will have given them is sweet and empty things and not anything really good for them.

Who will you speak truth to today?

A Million Miles in A Thousand Years

Today I am offering up a book review for you.

I just finished Donald Miller's latest book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" He is the author of other great books like "Blue Like Jazz" and "Searching for God Knows What. "

I really enjoyed this book. I enjoyed it mostly because I love Miller's style. It is easy and insightful without being preachy. For me, his books feel like a good conversation with a friend over coffee.

In "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" Miller uses the device of learning story structure to discuss the types of stories we are living in our everyday life.

Because Miller's style is so easy and comfortable, you don't feel like you are being pushed or driven to think about the ideas he purposes, you just do.

He writes with enough humor to make you laugh and enough truth to get inside. You won't feel like you just got done with a Tony Robbins book or anything, but the read will definitely take you
some places you didn't expect to go.

It's Not What You Do, It's Who You're With....

Yesterday was my Sunday. What a full day it was.

I got up early and hit the driving range with my friend Danny. I am not the best golfer, but I'm trying to be a better one. We both hit a bucket of balls and worked on our swings.

After that, I hit Peet's coffee with my friend Jon and caught up with him and enjoyed iced coffee and a pretzel braid. (I'm kind of addicted to those things.)

After that, it was off to Pasadena to go hiking with my friend Michael to see a waterfall. Yes, Southern California has waterfalls. Awesome.

I finished off the day with Michael and his friend Deborah eating amazing food at La Grande Orange.

A full day. a full day that has made me very sore this morning.

But it was such a great day not because of what I did, but the people I was with.

I could have done all those things on my own, alone. I could have gone to the driving range, drank iced coffee, hiked and eaten all with just myself. And sometimes we need to do that. We all need alone time.

However, more than alone time we need community. We need people to share our experiences with and our growth with.

We are all growing and changing. Good community spurs that on. Whether it's through your church, a team you belong to, or just an amazing group of friends.

If it has been a while since you have really plugged into your community, maybe it's time to do so. I bet people miss you. They do.

Your community not only needs you for the part you play in it, but you need your community for the way it serves you. Community is where we foster those intentional relationships.

If you are not plugged in right now, because you don't like your community, find another one.

Although people don't like to admit it, we all outgrow certain people and places in our life. If you have outgrown your community, find one that better suits you. Find one where you can continue to grow and change.

I am so thankful for the people in my life. For the friends who want to share with me and who I can share with. They are so important to me. I really work to be intentional while growing and changing myself.

What are your thoughts on community? How can we better serve each other? How do you know if you have outgrown someone or someplace.

I'm interested to hear your thoughts.

Thanks again to Danny, Jon, Michael and Deborah for being part of my day. You all made it great.

The Returning Dignity Project Challenge #2

Just got back from an amazing day out. I'll write more tomorrow as my brain is slowly leaving me due to an amazing workout and a belly full of food.

I do have enough brain power to put forth the next challenge in the Returning Dignity Project.

How many of you remember "Romper Room"? Well, at the end of the show, Miss Sally would always bring out Magic Mirror. It was mirror she used to see all the children at home who were watching and she would call out the children by name. You always hoped she would call out your name. "Romper, bomper, stomper boo. Tell me, tell me, tell me, do. Magic Mirror, tell me today, have all my friends had fun at play?"

So this week we are all going to use the Magic Mirror.

I want you to learn someones name this week.

Where do you go on a daily or weekly basis? Who is that face behind the counter who is always helping you?

I want you to learn their name.

"But Darcy, I'm not very god with names. I know faces."

LEARN THEIR NAME. Even if it takes you a while. Do it. Even if you have to ask them their name four times this week. Do it.

How would you feel if someone you saw everyday, who you served in some way or another, didn't know your name and didn't truly acknowledge you? You might be sad or worse resentful.

So let's set about this with diligence. Let's make our everyday interactions less ordinary and more genuine.

Also, the project now has a Twitter feed. Follow it on Twitter @RetrningDignity.

Have a great night.

Prom Night

Sorry I missed connecting with you all yesterday morning. I woke up with a gnarly headache and needed to rid myself of it before my last work day for the week.

I'm up early today and at Peet's coffee enjoying iced coffee and a pretzel braid. It's a gorgeous morning here on the coast and I'm pretty sure I want to spend as much of my life living near an ocean as possible.

Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" from the Grace album is on my Ipod right now. This is an album I recommend everyone have. It's just that good.

Last night I went to prom. No, not a high school prom. (I'm single, but not THAT single.) My friends' Todd and Dawn were celebrating their 10 year wedding anniversary. They decided on a prom theme. Everyone was dressed up in their cheesy goodness and I got a second wearing of my Double Quinceanera dress .

The hall was awesomely decorated with balloons and a balloon arch, and tons of streamers. There was sherbert punch, cake and prom photos. It was just like all the proms I went to. (Well, except for the beer and wine.)

I went to dances in high school. By no means, was I a popular kid. But I always had a boyfriend or date and went to all but 2 dances in my time in high school. My high school friends were right there with me. For many years afterward, I just figured that this was everyone's experience. In high school, you went to dances.

For some of my friends this was not the case. As an adult, I know people who never went to a single dance in high school. Some did not go by choice. But others, did not go out of fear and shame and other negative feelings.

I have been in conversation with these people about this (as some of them are my favorite people on God's green earth) and when you get to the heart of it, it brings back that silly high school dynamic. It is still a wierd class dividing line that will forever be there. People who went to dances and the people who did not.

Going to dances never made me feel better than anyone. I went to dances in high school because that's what you did. But to some folks who didn't go to dances, it casts me in a different light. It's the "normal" high school experience that I had, that they never did. One of those things from growing up that no one can reconcile.

It's that way with a lot of things we all go through. As much as we can work to get healing and reconcile things, there are things that will always make us flinch or make us rub the scar that has been there for a long time. And I know that the world wil tell us to suck it up, to get over it.

I think part of our job is to serve each other, espeically in those times. Serve with a loving and listening heart even if our experiences have been different. To be aware of the hurt and to not reinforce that hurt or injure each other further.

One of my favorite parts of last night was that for the prom photos, everyone could be prom king or queen. There was a sash and a crown that we could wear and pose with. Everyone could have their turn as royalty.

I really hope for some of my friends that last night was a healing experience. They could finally say they went to prom. Or they could finally say that they had a great time at a dance.

I hope as we all grow and heal that we can find our crowns in the dirt, dust them off and wear them like we were suppossed to be doing all along.

P.S- Here are some more songs I listened to as I wrote this morning that are worth checking out:

*Ipod is now playing "Ingrid Berman" by Billy Bragg and Wilco off of Mermaid Avenue. They are peoms that Woodie Guthrie never published and that his family asked them to set music to. Also amazing.

"River" by Joanie Mitchell covered by Travis.
"Crawl" by Kings Of Leon from "Only By The Night"
"That Lucky Old Sun" by Johnny Cash from "American Recordings III: Solitary Man"
"The Mercy Seat" by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds from "I Had a Dream, Joe"
"Jezebel" by Lloyd and Glen from the "Trojan Ska Box Set"
"Temptation" by VAST from "Visual Audio Sensory Theater"

We All Sat on The Floor...

Good morning and good Friday to you all.

I hope you are all having a good time with the Returning Dignity Project, keep it up and more things to come.

I had one of those amazing evenings last night. An evening full of golden moments. And, as in many cases, it involved music.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros played the Belly Up Tavern in Solana Beach last night with opening act He's My Brother She's My Sister. My friend Leigh and I were there and it was so great for so many reasons.

First off, I am a total foodie and Leigh and I grabbed dinner at the Wild Note which is the restaurant tied to the Belly Up. Let's just say that the pine nut crusted chicken stuffed with sun dried tomatoes, spinach and cheese started the night off well.

Leigh and I have known each other since 8th grade, but have not seen each other in over a year so there was much catching up to do. But as always with her, it was easy and comfortable and a true reminder of why I am blessed to have her in my life.

The Belly Up was sold out last night but not an uncomfortable place to be. He's My Brother She's My Sister is a band well worth seeing on their own. Not only were the songs good as well as the instrumentation, but they have a member who is a tap dancer. They mic her dancing and it is part of the percussion line. Amazing. I spoke with frontman Robert Kolar afterwards and he could not be a nicer guy. Check them out. Way Cool.

During the break between bands, we met Adam who would be just one of the people in our entourage last night. He became the gate keeper to our standing space last night and as a true gentleman, kept us ladies from being too crowded. He also was wearing and Old Crow Medicine Show shirt. Yay Adam.

Now I am very open about the fact that I don't like jam bands. I really don't. It may be the storyteller in me, but I need more of a three act structure in my songs and not a meandering line that seems to go on forever. Jams bands don't really resolve and I get bored easily. Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros can border on that a little, but I love them. I JUST LOVE THEM.

I saw them open up last year for Gogol Bordello. It had been a tough day and to be honest their set was healing. There music is happy and upbeat and makes you want to join their zany family band. Those are all the reasons I wanted to see them again last night. It did not disappoint.

As they set into their first few songs, we also met Devon and Elizabeth, two really nice girls who were not like many of the drunk chicks who kept knocking into everyone with their large purses.

NOTE: Ladies, if you are going to a show, please minimize the stuff you carry inside. It makes it better for everyone!

After Devon and Elizabeth, we got the honor of meeting Matt (who I didn't realize til later was with Devon and Elizabeth.)

Matt and I talked music and he told me I should check out the band he drums for, The White Buffalo.

I had a fan girl moment.

Thanks to that same "get up early" reverend, I happen to LOVE The White Buffalo and had only just told Leigh about the band at dinner that night. AWESOME!!

So there we were and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros are playing and we're all singing and dancing and just having a great time! In between songs there were talks about other great music like the Pixies and Tom Waits. And about great shows we had all been too. That's one of the great things about music. How you can have an instant entourage of cool people who are having a great time.

On their very last song, Alexander (Edward Sharpe) invited a bunch of audience members onto the stage and then invited the whole Belly Up to sit down on the floor. And we did.

The whole place sat down indian style like we did when we were kids and just listened and it was perfect.

I hope you all have a perfect evening soon. I hope today is full of golden moments. And I have attached some music links to check out the bands I've mentioned. Enjoy!

Edward Sharpe and Magnetic Zeros, "Home"


The White Buffalo "Damned"


He's My Brother She's My Sister

Returning Dignity Project

When I go out to restaurants with new friends for the first time, something they seem to consistently remark on is that I ask for and try to remember our servers names. It's something I have done for a long time.

I live in Orange County, CA and every year we have a county fair at the fairgrounds just a half mile from where I live now. The fair opens at 10 a.m. and goes until midnight, roughly. It is your typical county fair with home crafts, rides and all that delicious fair food you shouldn't really eat, but you do.

A few years back I was there and it was around 5p.m. I wanted an Icee, (because I was at the fair and still have a small seven year old living inside me that drives my cravings sometimes.) I went to the booth that was selling them, ordered it and thanked the young worker by name. His name was Justin.

"Excuse me?" he asked.
"Justin, that's you're name right?"
"Yes." He sounded a little surprised and dazed. "It's just you're the first person to call me by my name all day."

IT WAS 5 P.M. FOLKS!!! The fair had opened at 10 a.m. that day.

That means not one one person he helped all day called him by his name. It also means that not one of his co-workers or his boss called him by his name either. Not one.

I could not imagine a day like that.

That settled my resolve to get people's name on a much more consistent basis.

As humans, whether we like it or not, we are more validated when people use our name. It is a huge difference to us if someone just say, "Hello" or says, "Hello Darcy."

I truly believe that so many people go through their days without genuine or dignified interactions. I think many times we think I don't have to be as cordial or as sweet because they are just a cashier or they are just a gas station attendant.

We are creatures of habit and routine. So that means we are going to the same places more than new places. I bet the place you get your coffee in in the morning sees you more than your friends do sometimes. How many names do you know of the people that work there? They ask you about your day, do you ask about theirs?

I am starting the Returning Dignity Project. The best part about it is that we can all do it and it doesn't cost us anything but a small amount of time.

Everyday I want you to work on addressing just one person you interact with by name. This is a person who you wouldn't normally know their name. For example, if the gal at the drug store has a name tag on at the check out, thank her as you leave and use her name. If she doesn't have a name tag, ask for her name and then thank her by name.

It is that simple. Once you get into the habit of that, I'll add some more to it. This project has layers.

I truly believe that this simple act can change someones day and possibly their life. It not only validates them as a person, but it reminds them that they have presence.

So in comments, on Facebook or Twitter, tell me about how you are doing it! Let's spread this idea and spread dignity for people.

Where to Find the Space.

I got up early this morning because I have a meeting in a while and I needed to write before that meeting. Afterward I am going to work and than who knows what tonight holds. My point in telling you my schedule is that I needed to make space to write this morning. I know myself and I know if I do not make the space it more than likely will not happen.

In any of our lives, we have things we are always listing off that we want to do or wish we had more time to do. The simple truth is that if we really looked at how we were using our time, we would see that it's there. We are just not grabbing a hold of it.

I have never, ever fancied myself a morning person. (My parents are somewhere shouting "Amen" to that.) Granted I worked in the coffee industry for years and many times had to get up while it was still dark. But I would always get up with just enough time to get ready and get to work. But when you're up that early, you're also off early and it leaves you the rest of the day to handle other business. So when I switched jobs, I transferred that same attitude about getting up to a job that started at 10:30 in the morning. Not surprisingly, I found myself feeling like my whole day was about work and that I didn't have enough time to get things done or do the things for myself that I wanted to do.

Then I met this reverend who had to get up super early every day for work. But on his days off he also got up super early. When I asked him why he answered, " Because I have so much I want to do and see that I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my days off."

I admit, a light shone in that for me.

So I started getting up earlier on my work days and on my days off. And for the first time in so long, I really felt like I had more time for myself and that my days off were really truly whole days off.

I made space for myself and the things I wanted simply by getting up earlier.

So many times, we think something will happen when it's meant to happen. I do agree with that. But we also need to create space in our lives for those things to happen. We need to de-clutter our lives and get rid of the junk that is merely distraction and not really adding to our lives.
Is that never-ending to do list really keeping you from doing the things you want to do? Are the activities you are filling your life up with just keeping you busy so you don't really have to do the work on yourself you need to do? What is that thing or those things, you never seem to have time for?

If you really look, I know you can find ways to make the time. Try it and see how it feels.

I'm interested to hear what you will make space for.

Giving up and going back.

Tuesday morning is the start of the work week for me. I work a Tuesday-Saturday schedule because that's how most run in my industry, the jewelry industry. I like having Sundays off for sure and it's nice to have a weekday off, but dang I do miss having Saturdays off. After four years of this schedule, that has not changed. I miss a lot of things by working on Saturdays, mostly bridal showers and baby showers. But I also miss things like Art Deco walking tours and simple afternoon BBQs.

But I chose this schedule. I chose it for this part of my life to work on Saturdays so I could learn the business from the inside out and not just work in a mall jewelry shop.

So today I ask, what have you given up for something more? What have you given up for something less?

I love what I do. I love getting to be part of people's special occasions and working with their heirlooms. But I know there will come a time, possibly when I am married and begin a family, where I may need to give that up in order for something more.

We just came through the lent season, and I always find that afterward the thing I gave up, that seemed so hard, now at the end is so much less important. But I know sometimes in life we give up something that is important and that we shouldn't give up. Then over time, that things seems less important because you have distance from it. Even though if you went back to it, you would feel all the passion and joy you had for it in the first place.

So this week, what can you return to? What passion and joy can you move back to in your life? It may even be something that you have told people was no big deal anymore. Make it a big deal again.

I truly believe that the desires of our heart are not an accident, they are not just there haphazardly. They are there because it is who we are supposed to me. Follow those desires. It you need accountability in it, find someone. I'm interested to see what you all move towards.

Let's all live more fulfilled.