Becasue You Asked....

Cleaning yesterday got me to thinking about people who are no longer in our lives. I'm not talking about people who have passed on but those who are very much alive, but we are no longer in relationship with them.

Sometimes it has to do with our own growth. People do outgrow each other sometimes. Many times in that situation, it is our own choice to move on. That makes it a little easier.

Other times, it is due to a break up or should I say break down of a relationship, most often romantic.

As a teenager, things were always much more dramatic when it came to love and the loss of that love. I know many of us can recall a time when we fought so hard and probably as we thought then, so romantically, to win that person back. I can also recall that not really working so well and causing more damage.

I would love to claim that all my adult break ups have been calm and mature. That is not the case. When emotions and especially strong emotions get involved, it's very hard to walk away or truly leave someone alone. That comes a lot from our own need for self preservation and desire for something not to be over. Then when we realize that it is truly over, we then seek the need for closure. Without closure, it can seem like the relationship never happened.

Here's the hitch. We expect people in the end of a relationship to behave in ways they never did in the relationship. It doesn't really work that way.

For example: If you were in a relationship with someone who ran and hid every time there was conflict, why would you expect them to face you during the conflict that comes with the end of the relationship?

My friend was wondering aloud the other day why his ex-girlfriend had not contacted him since their break-up.

"When you broke up with her, did you ask her to leave you alone for a while?"
"Yes, I told her I needed to have time to sort things out and protect myself for a while."
"Well, she hasn't contacted you because you asked her not to and she is respecting that request."
"Oh...but I still figured she would call or email or something."
"So you didn't really want her to leave you alone? What you really wanted was for her to chase after you."

He looked a little dumbfounded.

"I guess so."

If we are looking at how our relationships are going, we need to examine not just the big things and grand moments. We need to think about the small things we said. Did we actually want the person to read our mind and to "know" what we needed? Are we not in relationship with that person anymore because the person was actually responding to the exact words we said and are acting on them?

I'm not saying that looking at every little thing in a damaged relationship will fix it. That can do more damage than good. But what I am saying is that we do need to pay attention to the things we say and the needs we express. If we want a desired result, we cannot set the other person up to fail. We need to communicate our needs and not force the other person to go digging around to get to the heart of the matter. In other words, we all need to start being more honest. If we are as honest and respectful to someone in a break up as we were when we first began that relationship, both people will come away better for it.

I pray that all your relationships grow stronger every day. I pray you can hold onto the people you should and let go of those who need to move on.