I went to a church gathering tonight. One that I knew I needed to go to, but wasn't sure why or what to expect. My friend Keith is part of it and I have not seen him in a long time. I didn't know if he would recognize me or if I would know anyone else. I get a little socially anxious at times and was feeling nervous, but I went anyway.
I pulled into the parking lot and there were not that many cars. I parked and approached the front door cautiously. As I opened it I saw Keith and just a handful of other people. I was not more than a foot inside the door, when he looked up, smiled and said, "Darcy!" I breathed a sigh of relief knowing I was seen and known and the rest of the night was glorious.
That feeling of being seen and known it part of the reason for the Returning Dignity Project. PEOPLE FEEL INVISIBLE. And for many people their daily lives reinforce that feeling and make it not just a feeling but a truth in their life.
Everyone of us are broken. Everyone of us needs healing. However, we cannot embrace healing unless we embrace the brokenness. A very wise friend of mine has said, "You do not need to tell people they are broken or wrong. They already know." This is so full of truth I can barely stand it. I want us to be a community of people who engages with people in a way that does not tell them these things, but instead shows them their value and their worth. This is part of why I started the Returning Dignity Project.
We are all part of the human community and we all need to be more humane to each other. I don't care about your belief systems, I don't care about your lifestyle choices. I don't care about your gender or race. Healing and helping each other is above all of those things. We can be an amazing community working together to reach more and more people everyday.
I am so excited about the fact that I am seen and known, but I am more excited about the people we will touch.
Thank you for being a part of this!
PS-Thanks to Tye and Adam for very quotable things.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Cause I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane...and I'll be back on Monday
I have a Benadryl hangover this morning. Boooooo. It's that time of year when my allergies kick up and my head feels like it's in a vice grip and I need to take meds to help it. The only issue it that I am so sensitive to allergy meds, that I can only take the drowsy making kind right before bed. I slept well but woke up this morning set on slow motion. Ugh.
Not only do I need to write this morning, but I also need to pack for a trip I am not leaving on until Friday night. I'm going to a family friend's wedding and I am traveling separate from my folks. They leave tomorrow early in the morning and I am having them take my luggage ahead of me so I don't have to check a bag on the plane.
Trips have always been a weird thing for me. Although I enjoy seeing new places and spending time with my friends and family, there is always this sense of my life being put on hold while I am gone. Like my life at home doesn't exist while I'm away. It's a very Schrodinger of me. But of course I know that my life is not on hold because I'm not on hold and so on and so on.
This area of thought has kept me from going on trips in the past because I was worried I'd miss something back home. The bigger issue there is that I am missing out on a new experience and a new part of my life.
I still struggle with that concept sometimes.
I have friend who has a constant "to do" list and it keeps him from really enjoying life. People used to ask him all the time to go places and do things with them. But many times he would come back with the "to do" list followed up by promises of "next time." And when "next time" came so do the "to do" list. Over the years, people have stopped asking him to do things and have almost given up on him. It's not that they don't love him, it's just that the other people want to go out and experience and live. He has made his choices and to quote another friend, "Sometimes the choices we make, make others for us."
I still try and engage my fore mentioned friend, but I know that for the most part I too will be beat out by the "to do" list. That makes me sad not only for our friendship, but for him.
What comforts and routine are we choosing over real experience and action? What places should we be going other than home and to bed?
I'll be back on Monday. My life will be different, not because I stayed home but because I went.
And now John Denver....
Not only do I need to write this morning, but I also need to pack for a trip I am not leaving on until Friday night. I'm going to a family friend's wedding and I am traveling separate from my folks. They leave tomorrow early in the morning and I am having them take my luggage ahead of me so I don't have to check a bag on the plane.
Trips have always been a weird thing for me. Although I enjoy seeing new places and spending time with my friends and family, there is always this sense of my life being put on hold while I am gone. Like my life at home doesn't exist while I'm away. It's a very Schrodinger of me. But of course I know that my life is not on hold because I'm not on hold and so on and so on.
This area of thought has kept me from going on trips in the past because I was worried I'd miss something back home. The bigger issue there is that I am missing out on a new experience and a new part of my life.
I still struggle with that concept sometimes.
I have friend who has a constant "to do" list and it keeps him from really enjoying life. People used to ask him all the time to go places and do things with them. But many times he would come back with the "to do" list followed up by promises of "next time." And when "next time" came so do the "to do" list. Over the years, people have stopped asking him to do things and have almost given up on him. It's not that they don't love him, it's just that the other people want to go out and experience and live. He has made his choices and to quote another friend, "Sometimes the choices we make, make others for us."
I still try and engage my fore mentioned friend, but I know that for the most part I too will be beat out by the "to do" list. That makes me sad not only for our friendship, but for him.
What comforts and routine are we choosing over real experience and action? What places should we be going other than home and to bed?
I'll be back on Monday. My life will be different, not because I stayed home but because I went.
And now John Denver....
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The Returning Dignity Project Challenge #3 and We Need a Logo
Word had been getting more out about The Returning Dignity Project. That gets me really more and more excited about the whole thing.
The whole idea of this project is to make everyday personal interactions more genuine..
I have been thinking about the old adage, "That was the straw that broke the camel's back." The idea that something so small is the thing that finally pushed an already exacerbated situiation over the limit.
I think many times we all say things or do things that are snarky or mean and don't think about the true consequences of those words or actions.
What if making a quip about someone's relationship was the final dig they "needed" to go and end that relationship? What if a sarcastic comment to someone only rooted them more in shame?
Do we want to be the straw that breaks anyone's back?
This is your challenge for the week...
When the temptation comes up to be harsh, sarcastic or dismissive; instead take a step back and work on saying something to build up that person or be supportive of them in a genuine way. This way we can help lessen each others load and make the day or even just the moment a little bit easier.
Onto to some business. The RDP needs a logo we can use in our Twitter feed @retrningdignity and to use for the project ingeneral. Any ideas? If you want to send me some, email me at lilheater@yahoo.com and we can go from there.
Happy Tuesday everone and I look forward to seeing how challenge #3 unfolds for everyone.
The whole idea of this project is to make everyday personal interactions more genuine..
I have been thinking about the old adage, "That was the straw that broke the camel's back." The idea that something so small is the thing that finally pushed an already exacerbated situiation over the limit.
I think many times we all say things or do things that are snarky or mean and don't think about the true consequences of those words or actions.
What if making a quip about someone's relationship was the final dig they "needed" to go and end that relationship? What if a sarcastic comment to someone only rooted them more in shame?
Do we want to be the straw that breaks anyone's back?
This is your challenge for the week...
When the temptation comes up to be harsh, sarcastic or dismissive; instead take a step back and work on saying something to build up that person or be supportive of them in a genuine way. This way we can help lessen each others load and make the day or even just the moment a little bit easier.
Onto to some business. The RDP needs a logo we can use in our Twitter feed @retrningdignity and to use for the project ingeneral. Any ideas? If you want to send me some, email me at lilheater@yahoo.com and we can go from there.
Happy Tuesday everone and I look forward to seeing how challenge #3 unfolds for everyone.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Nerdfighters and Geeks and Fan Girls, Oh My!
Does she end up at a late night diner eating breakfast food at two in the morning? Does she sleep in and drag herself into a coffee shop wearing yesterdays clothes?
Nope.
This girl goes to the LA Times Festival of Books to join other Nerdfighters in watching John Green of the Vlogbrothers (http://www.youtube.com/user/vlogbrothers) speak on a panel about the new book he co-authored with David Levithan. ("Nick and Nora's Infinate Playlist" and "Boy Meets Boy" It's called "Will Grayson, Will Grayson."
I love literary talk as much as the next writer and reader, but I really went to sit in a room full of Nerdfighters to have John Green ask us to be part of a Vlogbrothers video and to talk about the book and to stand in line after the talk and take pictures of him and David signing and to have him sign my book. And those things all happened.
I got more surprises yesterday. I really had no idea who else would be signing or appearing yesterday. Even though the LATFOB posted all the appearances, I was truly only there to see John Green. So as I was wandering around, I happened upon John Carter Cash reading his book, "Daddy Loves his Little Girl," to an audience of parents and children. Then after he finished, he sang "Will the Circle Be Unbroken?"
I couldn't believe it. There was the one and only offspring of Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash (He is indeed the only child they had together.) reading and singing one of his family songs as he called it.
So I jotted over to the tent where they were selling his book, bought it and got in line to have him sign it. We chatted for a moment and I got my picture with him. Awesome.
The next surprise was that I happened upon Mark Todd and Esther Pearl Watson signing at the Giant Robot booth. They both do some of my favorite cartoons. I bought copies of their smaller books and they not only signed, but did small drawings for me as well. I was on the verge of exploding at this point.
It was just such a great day. I write all this not just to share with you but to encourage you as well. We all have things that we are nerdy and geeky about. Things that we cannot help but be excited about. One girl in particular reminded me of this yesterday.
When I was in line to get John and David to sign my book, I ran into this girl who recognized me from the panel when I had asked a question. She was probably about 16 years old and she was dressed like Spock, ears and all. She was so comfortable about her fandom. So comfortable about being herself. It was so great to see. I love the nerd and geek culture because of that.
I am a fan girl. I may contain it better than others at times, but I am a tride and true nerdy, geeky, fan girl. It's why I love conventions and concerts and anything where fans are involved. I love the places where you can let all your childlike excitement hang all over the place and drool all over the thing you love. I love people who are not afraid to share themselves and the things they love. It takes me back to being a little kid and trying to explain to my parents why the toy I wanted was so cool, why a show I was watching was so important.
We are told on a daily basis to stay cool. To keep it on the inside and to leave those types of things behind us. But we all have something we are nerdy about. We all have something we geek out about. Whether it is music or movies or comics or scooters or Star Trek. There is a nerdy, geek fan boy or girl that lives inside us all.
I wonder what would happen if we got more excited about things. I wonder what would happen if we could be more ourselves and let that type of excitement spill out into all aspects of our lives.
What are you the biggest fan of? What draws out your inner nerdy, geeky, fan boy or girl? Maybe it's not a thing or event. Maybe it's a person. Whatever it is, let the excitement runneth over!
Friday, April 23, 2010
"Have we met?"....."Oh, we've met!"
Years ago Head and Shoulders dandruff shampoo used the slogan "You never get a second chance to make a first impression."
In some ways I agree. I mean people would definitely remember you if you were the person all covered in dandruff when they met you.
But numerous times, we encounter people who we have met before and the encounter for both parties was not memorable. I'm not saying that it was a bad first meeting, it was just not a meeting that set anything int stone for either party involved.
That leads me to believe that you do many times get a second chance to make a first impression.
So what then? If our idea of someone can be set in stone by our first encounter with them, (an awkward evening, a mean comment, a social blunder) are we doing them a disservice? Are we telling them and ourselves that there is no chance for growth in this person and that they are going to stay the way they are forever? We may be doing just that.
We are all going through change in our lives, some of it incredibly tough and transformative. When we encounter other people, we also encounter what they are going through. Sometimes those things line up nicely and other times they can rub up against each other the wrong way.
For example: if you a someone who is working to re-associate yourself into a group of friends after someone in that group has been particularly mean encounters someone new in that group who makes a mean comment, they may very well not want to associate with that person because they have labeled them as mean. Where the person who said the mean comment may have just been trying to be funny because they feel awkward about being new to the group.
Get it?
I think we need to approach each other with fresh eyes more than we do. We need to allow others to make a new first impression. How many times have you said something to the effect of: "I can't believe they still think I'm like that?!" Yet, how many times do we do the very same thing to other people. We assume that they are exactly the same as when we met them and give them no chance to be more of who they are. This can cause us to miss out on some really great relationships.
Who will you let make a second "first impression" on your life? Who do you want to make a second "first impression" on?
I hope you have fresh eyes today and see each other in a new light today. (Oh, and that none of you are covered in dandruff.)
In some ways I agree. I mean people would definitely remember you if you were the person all covered in dandruff when they met you.
But numerous times, we encounter people who we have met before and the encounter for both parties was not memorable. I'm not saying that it was a bad first meeting, it was just not a meeting that set anything int stone for either party involved.
That leads me to believe that you do many times get a second chance to make a first impression.
So what then? If our idea of someone can be set in stone by our first encounter with them, (an awkward evening, a mean comment, a social blunder) are we doing them a disservice? Are we telling them and ourselves that there is no chance for growth in this person and that they are going to stay the way they are forever? We may be doing just that.
We are all going through change in our lives, some of it incredibly tough and transformative. When we encounter other people, we also encounter what they are going through. Sometimes those things line up nicely and other times they can rub up against each other the wrong way.
For example: if you a someone who is working to re-associate yourself into a group of friends after someone in that group has been particularly mean encounters someone new in that group who makes a mean comment, they may very well not want to associate with that person because they have labeled them as mean. Where the person who said the mean comment may have just been trying to be funny because they feel awkward about being new to the group.
Get it?
I think we need to approach each other with fresh eyes more than we do. We need to allow others to make a new first impression. How many times have you said something to the effect of: "I can't believe they still think I'm like that?!" Yet, how many times do we do the very same thing to other people. We assume that they are exactly the same as when we met them and give them no chance to be more of who they are. This can cause us to miss out on some really great relationships.
Who will you let make a second "first impression" on your life? Who do you want to make a second "first impression" on?
I hope you have fresh eyes today and see each other in a new light today. (Oh, and that none of you are covered in dandruff.)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Truth Will Set You Free...Or Piss Off Your Friends.
Last night I was a messenger of truth to one of my friends. It started as one of those conversations that seems like it will be light and touch on a little depth, but then somehow ends up 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
It was a conversation that left my friend reeling and me praying after we got off the phone. My friend needed time to go and process and I asked for coverage and protection in that time.
Sometimes I wish I was the messenger of candy and not a messenger of truth.
Messenger of candy would be so much more fun. I could call up all my friends and say, "Guess what? I have a lifetime supply of Twix for you!" I could show up at their door step and shower them with malted milk balls. I could sneak to their house at night and fill their car with gummy bears.
What an awesome job that would be.
Sadly, that's not my job. My job is to be a good friend. My job is to be intentional and to be committed to speaking truth even when it's not fun.
As a child, I came up against lies constantly in my own life. Not just those typical childhood ones about gift-giving mythical people and creatures, but really life-changing lies. Lies that caused me not to trust and not to engage with people in healthy ways. It has taken a lot of work to undo those things, but I have done and still do the work. That is why I always want to speak truth into the lives of those around me.
Truth is relative. So a truth for one person may not be truth for another. This makes it all the more tricky.
We all claim to want truth in our lives and to live honestly, but when it comes down to it, it is a really hard thing. Truth is hard to hear. It's hard to process. It's hard to apply even after we have heard and processed it. The changes that come from having lies stripped out of our lives can change our jobs, our friends and our families. Because even though we may now know greater truth in our lives, the people around us may not be ready for it either.
It's a lot.
A lot for us and the people around us. But if we commit to only speaking truth and not allowing destructive things to foster, the shifts around us will become easier. We will surround ourselves with people who also want truth and there is great freedom in that.
I truly pray for a day when all the people I know and love and even the people I don't know or love have a freedom to truly be who they are. The freedom to grow and change and to become the people they want to be.
I can try and be the messenger of candy all I want, but eventually my friends will all just get fat and mad at me. Because all I will have given them is sweet and empty things and not anything really good for them.
Who will you speak truth to today?
A Million Miles in A Thousand Years
Today I am offering up a book review for you.
I just finished Donald Miller's latest book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" He is the author of other great books like "Blue Like Jazz" and "Searching for God Knows What. "
I really enjoyed this book. I enjoyed it mostly because I love Miller's style. It is easy and insightful without being preachy. For me, his books feel like a good conversation with a friend over coffee.
In "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" Miller uses the device of learning story structure to discuss the types of stories we are living in our everyday life.
Because Miller's style is so easy and comfortable, you don't feel like you are being pushed or driven to think about the ideas he purposes, you just do.
He writes with enough humor to make you laugh and enough truth to get inside. You won't feel like you just got done with a Tony Robbins book or anything, but the read will definitely take you
some places you didn't expect to go.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
It's Not What You Do, It's Who You're With....
Yesterday was my Sunday. What a full day it was.
I got up early and hit the driving range with my friend Danny. I am not the best golfer, but I'm trying to be a better one. We both hit a bucket of balls and worked on our swings.
After that, I hit Peet's coffee with my friend Jon and caught up with him and enjoyed iced coffee and a pretzel braid. (I'm kind of addicted to those things.)
After that, it was off to Pasadena to go hiking with my friend Michael to see a waterfall. Yes, Southern California has waterfalls. Awesome.
I finished off the day with Michael and his friend Deborah eating amazing food at La Grande Orange.
A full day. a full day that has made me very sore this morning.
But it was such a great day not because of what I did, but the people I was with.
I could have done all those things on my own, alone. I could have gone to the driving range, drank iced coffee, hiked and eaten all with just myself. And sometimes we need to do that. We all need alone time.
However, more than alone time we need community. We need people to share our experiences with and our growth with.
We are all growing and changing. Good community spurs that on. Whether it's through your church, a team you belong to, or just an amazing group of friends.
If it has been a while since you have really plugged into your community, maybe it's time to do so. I bet people miss you. They do.
Your community not only needs you for the part you play in it, but you need your community for the way it serves you. Community is where we foster those intentional relationships.
If you are not plugged in right now, because you don't like your community, find another one.
Although people don't like to admit it, we all outgrow certain people and places in our life. If you have outgrown your community, find one that better suits you. Find one where you can continue to grow and change.
I am so thankful for the people in my life. For the friends who want to share with me and who I can share with. They are so important to me. I really work to be intentional while growing and changing myself.
What are your thoughts on community? How can we better serve each other? How do you know if you have outgrown someone or someplace.
I'm interested to hear your thoughts.
Thanks again to Danny, Jon, Michael and Deborah for being part of my day. You all made it great.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Returning Dignity Project Challenge #2
Just got back from an amazing day out. I'll write more tomorrow as my brain is slowly leaving me due to an amazing workout and a belly full of food.
I do have enough brain power to put forth the next challenge in the Returning Dignity Project.
How many of you remember "Romper Room"? Well, at the end of the show, Miss Sally would always bring out Magic Mirror. It was mirror she used to see all the children at home who were watching and she would call out the children by name. You always hoped she would call out your name. "Romper, bomper, stomper boo. Tell me, tell me, tell me, do. Magic Mirror, tell me today, have all my friends had fun at play?"
So this week we are all going to use the Magic Mirror.
I want you to learn someones name this week.
Where do you go on a daily or weekly basis? Who is that face behind the counter who is always helping you?
I want you to learn their name.
"But Darcy, I'm not very god with names. I know faces."
LEARN THEIR NAME. Even if it takes you a while. Do it. Even if you have to ask them their name four times this week. Do it.
How would you feel if someone you saw everyday, who you served in some way or another, didn't know your name and didn't truly acknowledge you? You might be sad or worse resentful.
So let's set about this with diligence. Let's make our everyday interactions less ordinary and more genuine.
Also, the project now has a Twitter feed. Follow it on Twitter @RetrningDignity.
Have a great night.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Prom Night
Sorry I missed connecting with you all yesterday morning. I woke up with a gnarly headache and needed to rid myself of it before my last work day for the week.
I'm up early today and at Peet's coffee enjoying iced coffee and a pretzel braid. It's a gorgeous morning here on the coast and I'm pretty sure I want to spend as much of my life living near an ocean as possible.
Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" from the Grace album is on my Ipod right now. This is an album I recommend everyone have. It's just that good.
Last night I went to prom. No, not a high school prom. (I'm single, but not THAT single.) My friends' Todd and Dawn were celebrating their 10 year wedding anniversary. They decided on a prom theme. Everyone was dressed up in their cheesy goodness and I got a second wearing of my Double Quinceanera dress .
The hall was awesomely decorated with balloons and a balloon arch, and tons of streamers. There was sherbert punch, cake and prom photos. It was just like all the proms I went to. (Well, except for the beer and wine.)
I went to dances in high school. By no means, was I a popular kid. But I always had a boyfriend or date and went to all but 2 dances in my time in high school. My high school friends were right there with me. For many years afterward, I just figured that this was everyone's experience. In high school, you went to dances.
For some of my friends this was not the case. As an adult, I know people who never went to a single dance in high school. Some did not go by choice. But others, did not go out of fear and shame and other negative feelings.
I have been in conversation with these people about this (as some of them are my favorite people on God's green earth) and when you get to the heart of it, it brings back that silly high school dynamic. It is still a wierd class dividing line that will forever be there. People who went to dances and the people who did not.
Going to dances never made me feel better than anyone. I went to dances in high school because that's what you did. But to some folks who didn't go to dances, it casts me in a different light. It's the "normal" high school experience that I had, that they never did. One of those things from growing up that no one can reconcile.
It's that way with a lot of things we all go through. As much as we can work to get healing and reconcile things, there are things that will always make us flinch or make us rub the scar that has been there for a long time. And I know that the world wil tell us to suck it up, to get over it.
I think part of our job is to serve each other, espeically in those times. Serve with a loving and listening heart even if our experiences have been different. To be aware of the hurt and to not reinforce that hurt or injure each other further.
One of my favorite parts of last night was that for the prom photos, everyone could be prom king or queen. There was a sash and a crown that we could wear and pose with. Everyone could have their turn as royalty.
I really hope for some of my friends that last night was a healing experience. They could finally say they went to prom. Or they could finally say that they had a great time at a dance.
I hope as we all grow and heal that we can find our crowns in the dirt, dust them off and wear them like we were suppossed to be doing all along.
P.S- Here are some more songs I listened to as I wrote this morning that are worth checking out:
*Ipod is now playing "Ingrid Berman" by Billy Bragg and Wilco off of Mermaid Avenue. They are peoms that Woodie Guthrie never published and that his family asked them to set music to. Also amazing.
"River" by Joanie Mitchell covered by Travis.
"Crawl" by Kings Of Leon from "Only By The Night"
"That Lucky Old Sun" by Johnny Cash from "American Recordings III: Solitary Man"
"The Mercy Seat" by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds from "I Had a Dream, Joe"
"Jezebel" by Lloyd and Glen from the "Trojan Ska Box Set"
"Temptation" by VAST from "Visual Audio Sensory Theater"
Friday, April 16, 2010
We All Sat on The Floor...
Good morning and good Friday to you all.
I hope you are all having a good time with the Returning Dignity Project, keep it up and more things to come.
I had one of those amazing evenings last night. An evening full of golden moments. And, as in many cases, it involved music.
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros played the Belly Up Tavern in Solana Beach last night with opening act He's My Brother She's My Sister. My friend Leigh and I were there and it was so great for so many reasons.
First off, I am a total foodie and Leigh and I grabbed dinner at the Wild Note which is the restaurant tied to the Belly Up. Let's just say that the pine nut crusted chicken stuffed with sun dried tomatoes, spinach and cheese started the night off well.
Leigh and I have known each other since 8th grade, but have not seen each other in over a year so there was much catching up to do. But as always with her, it was easy and comfortable and a true reminder of why I am blessed to have her in my life.
The Belly Up was sold out last night but not an uncomfortable place to be. He's My Brother She's My Sister is a band well worth seeing on their own. Not only were the songs good as well as the instrumentation, but they have a member who is a tap dancer. They mic her dancing and it is part of the percussion line. Amazing. I spoke with frontman Robert Kolar afterwards and he could not be a nicer guy. Check them out. Way Cool.
During the break between bands, we met Adam who would be just one of the people in our entourage last night. He became the gate keeper to our standing space last night and as a true gentleman, kept us ladies from being too crowded. He also was wearing and Old Crow Medicine Show shirt. Yay Adam.
Now I am very open about the fact that I don't like jam bands. I really don't. It may be the storyteller in me, but I need more of a three act structure in my songs and not a meandering line that seems to go on forever. Jams bands don't really resolve and I get bored easily. Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros can border on that a little, but I love them. I JUST LOVE THEM.
I saw them open up last year for Gogol Bordello. It had been a tough day and to be honest their set was healing. There music is happy and upbeat and makes you want to join their zany family band. Those are all the reasons I wanted to see them again last night. It did not disappoint.
As they set into their first few songs, we also met Devon and Elizabeth, two really nice girls who were not like many of the drunk chicks who kept knocking into everyone with their large purses.
NOTE: Ladies, if you are going to a show, please minimize the stuff you carry inside. It makes it better for everyone!
After Devon and Elizabeth, we got the honor of meeting Matt (who I didn't realize til later was with Devon and Elizabeth.)
Matt and I talked music and he told me I should check out the band he drums for, The White Buffalo.
I had a fan girl moment.
Thanks to that same "get up early" reverend, I happen to LOVE The White Buffalo and had only just told Leigh about the band at dinner that night. AWESOME!!
So there we were and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros are playing and we're all singing and dancing and just having a great time! In between songs there were talks about other great music like the Pixies and Tom Waits. And about great shows we had all been too. That's one of the great things about music. How you can have an instant entourage of cool people who are having a great time.
On their very last song, Alexander (Edward Sharpe) invited a bunch of audience members onto the stage and then invited the whole Belly Up to sit down on the floor. And we did.
The whole place sat down indian style like we did when we were kids and just listened and it was perfect.
I hope you all have a perfect evening soon. I hope today is full of golden moments. And I have attached some music links to check out the bands I've mentioned. Enjoy!
Edward Sharpe and Magnetic Zeros, "Home"
The White Buffalo "Damned"
He's My Brother She's My Sister
I hope you are all having a good time with the Returning Dignity Project, keep it up and more things to come.
I had one of those amazing evenings last night. An evening full of golden moments. And, as in many cases, it involved music.
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros played the Belly Up Tavern in Solana Beach last night with opening act He's My Brother She's My Sister. My friend Leigh and I were there and it was so great for so many reasons.
First off, I am a total foodie and Leigh and I grabbed dinner at the Wild Note which is the restaurant tied to the Belly Up. Let's just say that the pine nut crusted chicken stuffed with sun dried tomatoes, spinach and cheese started the night off well.
Leigh and I have known each other since 8th grade, but have not seen each other in over a year so there was much catching up to do. But as always with her, it was easy and comfortable and a true reminder of why I am blessed to have her in my life.
The Belly Up was sold out last night but not an uncomfortable place to be. He's My Brother She's My Sister is a band well worth seeing on their own. Not only were the songs good as well as the instrumentation, but they have a member who is a tap dancer. They mic her dancing and it is part of the percussion line. Amazing. I spoke with frontman Robert Kolar afterwards and he could not be a nicer guy. Check them out. Way Cool.
During the break between bands, we met Adam who would be just one of the people in our entourage last night. He became the gate keeper to our standing space last night and as a true gentleman, kept us ladies from being too crowded. He also was wearing and Old Crow Medicine Show shirt. Yay Adam.
Now I am very open about the fact that I don't like jam bands. I really don't. It may be the storyteller in me, but I need more of a three act structure in my songs and not a meandering line that seems to go on forever. Jams bands don't really resolve and I get bored easily. Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros can border on that a little, but I love them. I JUST LOVE THEM.
I saw them open up last year for Gogol Bordello. It had been a tough day and to be honest their set was healing. There music is happy and upbeat and makes you want to join their zany family band. Those are all the reasons I wanted to see them again last night. It did not disappoint.
As they set into their first few songs, we also met Devon and Elizabeth, two really nice girls who were not like many of the drunk chicks who kept knocking into everyone with their large purses.
NOTE: Ladies, if you are going to a show, please minimize the stuff you carry inside. It makes it better for everyone!
After Devon and Elizabeth, we got the honor of meeting Matt (who I didn't realize til later was with Devon and Elizabeth.)
Matt and I talked music and he told me I should check out the band he drums for, The White Buffalo.
I had a fan girl moment.
Thanks to that same "get up early" reverend, I happen to LOVE The White Buffalo and had only just told Leigh about the band at dinner that night. AWESOME!!
So there we were and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros are playing and we're all singing and dancing and just having a great time! In between songs there were talks about other great music like the Pixies and Tom Waits. And about great shows we had all been too. That's one of the great things about music. How you can have an instant entourage of cool people who are having a great time.
On their very last song, Alexander (Edward Sharpe) invited a bunch of audience members onto the stage and then invited the whole Belly Up to sit down on the floor. And we did.
The whole place sat down indian style like we did when we were kids and just listened and it was perfect.
I hope you all have a perfect evening soon. I hope today is full of golden moments. And I have attached some music links to check out the bands I've mentioned. Enjoy!
Edward Sharpe and Magnetic Zeros, "Home"
The White Buffalo "Damned"
He's My Brother She's My Sister
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Returning Dignity Project
When I go out to restaurants with new friends for the first time, something they seem to consistently remark on is that I ask for and try to remember our servers names. It's something I have done for a long time.
I live in Orange County, CA and every year we have a county fair at the fairgrounds just a half mile from where I live now. The fair opens at 10 a.m. and goes until midnight, roughly. It is your typical county fair with home crafts, rides and all that delicious fair food you shouldn't really eat, but you do.
A few years back I was there and it was around 5p.m. I wanted an Icee, (because I was at the fair and still have a small seven year old living inside me that drives my cravings sometimes.) I went to the booth that was selling them, ordered it and thanked the young worker by name. His name was Justin.
"Excuse me?" he asked.
"Justin, that's you're name right?"
"Yes." He sounded a little surprised and dazed. "It's just you're the first person to call me by my name all day."
IT WAS 5 P.M. FOLKS!!! The fair had opened at 10 a.m. that day.
That means not one one person he helped all day called him by his name. It also means that not one of his co-workers or his boss called him by his name either. Not one.
I could not imagine a day like that.
That settled my resolve to get people's name on a much more consistent basis.
As humans, whether we like it or not, we are more validated when people use our name. It is a huge difference to us if someone just say, "Hello" or says, "Hello Darcy."
I truly believe that so many people go through their days without genuine or dignified interactions. I think many times we think I don't have to be as cordial or as sweet because they are just a cashier or they are just a gas station attendant.
We are creatures of habit and routine. So that means we are going to the same places more than new places. I bet the place you get your coffee in in the morning sees you more than your friends do sometimes. How many names do you know of the people that work there? They ask you about your day, do you ask about theirs?
I am starting the Returning Dignity Project. The best part about it is that we can all do it and it doesn't cost us anything but a small amount of time.
Everyday I want you to work on addressing just one person you interact with by name. This is a person who you wouldn't normally know their name. For example, if the gal at the drug store has a name tag on at the check out, thank her as you leave and use her name. If she doesn't have a name tag, ask for her name and then thank her by name.
It is that simple. Once you get into the habit of that, I'll add some more to it. This project has layers.
I truly believe that this simple act can change someones day and possibly their life. It not only validates them as a person, but it reminds them that they have presence.
So in comments, on Facebook or Twitter, tell me about how you are doing it! Let's spread this idea and spread dignity for people.
I live in Orange County, CA and every year we have a county fair at the fairgrounds just a half mile from where I live now. The fair opens at 10 a.m. and goes until midnight, roughly. It is your typical county fair with home crafts, rides and all that delicious fair food you shouldn't really eat, but you do.
A few years back I was there and it was around 5p.m. I wanted an Icee, (because I was at the fair and still have a small seven year old living inside me that drives my cravings sometimes.) I went to the booth that was selling them, ordered it and thanked the young worker by name. His name was Justin.
"Excuse me?" he asked.
"Justin, that's you're name right?"
"Yes." He sounded a little surprised and dazed. "It's just you're the first person to call me by my name all day."
IT WAS 5 P.M. FOLKS!!! The fair had opened at 10 a.m. that day.
That means not one one person he helped all day called him by his name. It also means that not one of his co-workers or his boss called him by his name either. Not one.
I could not imagine a day like that.
That settled my resolve to get people's name on a much more consistent basis.
As humans, whether we like it or not, we are more validated when people use our name. It is a huge difference to us if someone just say, "Hello" or says, "Hello Darcy."
I truly believe that so many people go through their days without genuine or dignified interactions. I think many times we think I don't have to be as cordial or as sweet because they are just a cashier or they are just a gas station attendant.
We are creatures of habit and routine. So that means we are going to the same places more than new places. I bet the place you get your coffee in in the morning sees you more than your friends do sometimes. How many names do you know of the people that work there? They ask you about your day, do you ask about theirs?
I am starting the Returning Dignity Project. The best part about it is that we can all do it and it doesn't cost us anything but a small amount of time.
Everyday I want you to work on addressing just one person you interact with by name. This is a person who you wouldn't normally know their name. For example, if the gal at the drug store has a name tag on at the check out, thank her as you leave and use her name. If she doesn't have a name tag, ask for her name and then thank her by name.
It is that simple. Once you get into the habit of that, I'll add some more to it. This project has layers.
I truly believe that this simple act can change someones day and possibly their life. It not only validates them as a person, but it reminds them that they have presence.
So in comments, on Facebook or Twitter, tell me about how you are doing it! Let's spread this idea and spread dignity for people.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Where to Find the Space.
I got up early this morning because I have a meeting in a while and I needed to write before that meeting. Afterward I am going to work and than who knows what tonight holds. My point in telling you my schedule is that I needed to make space to write this morning. I know myself and I know if I do not make the space it more than likely will not happen.
In any of our lives, we have things we are always listing off that we want to do or wish we had more time to do. The simple truth is that if we really looked at how we were using our time, we would see that it's there. We are just not grabbing a hold of it.
I have never, ever fancied myself a morning person. (My parents are somewhere shouting "Amen" to that.) Granted I worked in the coffee industry for years and many times had to get up while it was still dark. But I would always get up with just enough time to get ready and get to work. But when you're up that early, you're also off early and it leaves you the rest of the day to handle other business. So when I switched jobs, I transferred that same attitude about getting up to a job that started at 10:30 in the morning. Not surprisingly, I found myself feeling like my whole day was about work and that I didn't have enough time to get things done or do the things for myself that I wanted to do.
Then I met this reverend who had to get up super early every day for work. But on his days off he also got up super early. When I asked him why he answered, " Because I have so much I want to do and see that I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my days off."
I admit, a light shone in that for me.
So I started getting up earlier on my work days and on my days off. And for the first time in so long, I really felt like I had more time for myself and that my days off were really truly whole days off.
I made space for myself and the things I wanted simply by getting up earlier.
So many times, we think something will happen when it's meant to happen. I do agree with that. But we also need to create space in our lives for those things to happen. We need to de-clutter our lives and get rid of the junk that is merely distraction and not really adding to our lives.
Is that never-ending to do list really keeping you from doing the things you want to do? Are the activities you are filling your life up with just keeping you busy so you don't really have to do the work on yourself you need to do? What is that thing or those things, you never seem to have time for?
If you really look, I know you can find ways to make the time. Try it and see how it feels.
I'm interested to hear what you will make space for.
In any of our lives, we have things we are always listing off that we want to do or wish we had more time to do. The simple truth is that if we really looked at how we were using our time, we would see that it's there. We are just not grabbing a hold of it.
I have never, ever fancied myself a morning person. (My parents are somewhere shouting "Amen" to that.) Granted I worked in the coffee industry for years and many times had to get up while it was still dark. But I would always get up with just enough time to get ready and get to work. But when you're up that early, you're also off early and it leaves you the rest of the day to handle other business. So when I switched jobs, I transferred that same attitude about getting up to a job that started at 10:30 in the morning. Not surprisingly, I found myself feeling like my whole day was about work and that I didn't have enough time to get things done or do the things for myself that I wanted to do.
Then I met this reverend who had to get up super early every day for work. But on his days off he also got up super early. When I asked him why he answered, " Because I have so much I want to do and see that I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my days off."
I admit, a light shone in that for me.
So I started getting up earlier on my work days and on my days off. And for the first time in so long, I really felt like I had more time for myself and that my days off were really truly whole days off.
I made space for myself and the things I wanted simply by getting up earlier.
So many times, we think something will happen when it's meant to happen. I do agree with that. But we also need to create space in our lives for those things to happen. We need to de-clutter our lives and get rid of the junk that is merely distraction and not really adding to our lives.
Is that never-ending to do list really keeping you from doing the things you want to do? Are the activities you are filling your life up with just keeping you busy so you don't really have to do the work on yourself you need to do? What is that thing or those things, you never seem to have time for?
If you really look, I know you can find ways to make the time. Try it and see how it feels.
I'm interested to hear what you will make space for.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Giving up and going back.
Tuesday morning is the start of the work week for me. I work a Tuesday-Saturday schedule because that's how most run in my industry, the jewelry industry. I like having Sundays off for sure and it's nice to have a weekday off, but dang I do miss having Saturdays off. After four years of this schedule, that has not changed. I miss a lot of things by working on Saturdays, mostly bridal showers and baby showers. But I also miss things like Art Deco walking tours and simple afternoon BBQs.
But I chose this schedule. I chose it for this part of my life to work on Saturdays so I could learn the business from the inside out and not just work in a mall jewelry shop.
So today I ask, what have you given up for something more? What have you given up for something less?
I love what I do. I love getting to be part of people's special occasions and working with their heirlooms. But I know there will come a time, possibly when I am married and begin a family, where I may need to give that up in order for something more.
We just came through the lent season, and I always find that afterward the thing I gave up, that seemed so hard, now at the end is so much less important. But I know sometimes in life we give up something that is important and that we shouldn't give up. Then over time, that things seems less important because you have distance from it. Even though if you went back to it, you would feel all the passion and joy you had for it in the first place.
So this week, what can you return to? What passion and joy can you move back to in your life? It may even be something that you have told people was no big deal anymore. Make it a big deal again.
I truly believe that the desires of our heart are not an accident, they are not just there haphazardly. They are there because it is who we are supposed to me. Follow those desires. It you need accountability in it, find someone. I'm interested to see what you all move towards.
Let's all live more fulfilled.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Bees, Benadryl, and Banding Together
*I know some of you were saying to yourself, "Why didn't you title it Bees, Benadryl, and Battlestar Galactica?"
Why? Because I know very little about Battlestar Galactica although there are plenty of people I could have asked. It's just not in my realm of nerd-dom. Trust me, plenty of other things are. But onto today's post.*
My mom keeps Benadryl all over their house. In both pill and liquid form. It's not because she has those kind of allergies that disrupt your everyday life and keep you from enjoying your kids soccer game or picking wildflowers in that wildflower field people in commercials seems to have behind their house.
She keeps the Benadryl around because she is INCREDIBLY allergic to bees. My mom is so allergic to bees when she goes out she has to keep an Epipen in her purse in case she gets stung. It will keep her from going into anaphylactic shock. That's how fast it can happen. I've watched her hands and arms blow up, and her body break out in hives and welts. I've sat in the ER while they give her steroids to stop the reactions. It's a scary thing, but she's always prepared. And of course bees LOVE her. She has been stung more times in the past few years that anyone I know.
All this makes me think about how prepared we are when we go out into the world.
How are we going to react when we get stung in our daily life. And it's not a matter of IF we get stung it's a matter of WHEN, because it happens all the time. It's why we need community and intentional relationships.
I know it's hard to tell someone how to react when they get hurt. For most of us, the reaction is what we consider "natural." Usually it comes in the form of whatever coping mechanism we have found for ourselves over our lifetime. One of my personal faves for a long time was retreating or hiding out.
I'm sure some of you are familiar with it. I'd get hurt, not tell anyone I was hurt and disappear until I felt like I was not hurt enough anymore to go back out and pretend like everything was ok. And when people would ask where I had been, I would tell them I had been busy. And that "worked" for a long time until I realized all the stingers were still under my skin and just callousing over.
I had an amazing community at my disposal but I was so afraid to tell anyone I was hurting, because I thought my problems are not as big or important as they needed to be. (I had some work to do.) It took me watching another very close friend retreat and hide in the very same way to realize what I had been doing. So I started telling people not just the good things but the hard and hurtful things too. That was probably one of the hardest things I ever did in my life, but it has been one of the most beneficial.
That is part of what being in community and intentional relationships is about. If my mom didn't tell me when she had been stung by a bee and assumed it would all just get better, she would die.
That is how we are if we try and go it alone. We will die emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.
And in order to be intentional, we have to risk ourselves a bit and reach out to each other. We have to go outside our comfort zone. I know it's hard and REALLY uncomfortable, but it's how we can keep healthy and keep ourselves in check. Because the more time we spend in our own heads, the louder those negative and dark voices (the ones we all hear) become.
Back in February, a friend of mine took his own life. At first it seemed very surprising to myself and a lot of people. But in the aftermath, the truth came out. And for him, the truth was that he had always purposely distanced himself from people. He let folks in only so much and only shared with them what he wanted. He was a very sad guy. That distance and loneliness allowed those dark and negative voices to drown out the people who truly loved him. It took over hope and replaced it with a dark answer.
I am still grieving that loss and the thing that really hits me sometimes, the thing that can bring me to tears is the loss of hope. The fact that he had pulled away so much that in his mind, nothing could be better or good again. The world had stung him so much and eventually he just gave into the venom.
That is why we need each other like my mom needs Beandryl, to stave off the venom. We need to remind each other that there is hope and it's okay to grieve and hurt, because better things will come out of it and we can be healed. We need love and hope to be louder than the darkness.
I know making that first step can be hard. It was for me. But I am so grateful and thankful for my friends who take not just happy calls and visits, but the sad and angry ones too. I know they are grateful for me in the same way. We have to reach out, we have to be intentional. We have to discern the good voices and influences from the bad. Sometimes that can even mean letting go of old relationships in favor of new ones. Ones that encourage us in the right way, not towards darkness.
So I will end on this quote, "Dum spiro, spero. " In Latin it means, "While I breath, I hope."
I want that for all of you as much as I want it for myself.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Growth & Change.
I have been house sitting for my folks so I am only a few short minutes away from Old Towne Orange. So I got up this morning and came to Lucca to grab an Americano and do some ruminating. My coffee is the perfect color, the music is great and the drunk hipsters (who I believe are still drunk from last night) have calmed down.
Being back at my folks house for any length of time is always odd but comfortable at the same time. I have a great relationship with my parents and love them dearly. Being at the house also has me thinking about growth and change.
I hope that everyone around me is always growing and changing in some way. That's how were made. That's how we become the people we're supposed to be. Lately, for myself and for others, the growth and change has been much more intense and at times very difficult. The difficult is okay though because it means the really good stuff is happening, not just the everyday.
However, along this path we all seem to get that feeling of stuck. "I'm stuck. This is too hard. Nothing is going to be as it should be or how I want it."
Those things are lies. No two ways about it. Those things are lies.
Anyone or anything that tries to tell you to stay the same and stay in your (or their) comfort zone, is a disruption and a distraction. It may sound too simple, but that's the truth.
We should want each other to grow and change. We should want each other to become healthy people who know how to take care of themselves. If those are not the people or places you are encountering, it may be time to reevaluate.
I heard a recent divorcee say, "I didn't change, they did." Being in relationship with anyone is not about getting together and staying the same. It is not about reaching a point in your life where you say, "I am complete as a person, now I want to find another complete person and we'll be the same people forever." YOU ARE SETTING YOURSELF UP TO FAIL.
Biologically we are not even the same people over time. Our cells regenerate and eventually we are a completely "new" person. How can our emotional state be any different?
When we are in the midst of change, I know others changing around us can feel unsafe. It's because it is. There are variables at work and none of us know who the other will be on the other end of that growth and change. It's ok. The better we become, the better people we attract to ourselves. Usually it's other people who also are becoming better.
There is always going to be risk. We have to risk ourselves in order to gain great things. But risk and sacrifice are not the same thing. And do not confuse intention with action.
I know even though we realize things, we can't always act on them right away. Be persistent though. It does get easier, but new things always take practice. If true, deep change was easy, we would have done it long ago.
I hope you are all having a great Sunday and finding your peace today too.
Being back at my folks house for any length of time is always odd but comfortable at the same time. I have a great relationship with my parents and love them dearly. Being at the house also has me thinking about growth and change.
I hope that everyone around me is always growing and changing in some way. That's how were made. That's how we become the people we're supposed to be. Lately, for myself and for others, the growth and change has been much more intense and at times very difficult. The difficult is okay though because it means the really good stuff is happening, not just the everyday.
However, along this path we all seem to get that feeling of stuck. "I'm stuck. This is too hard. Nothing is going to be as it should be or how I want it."
Those things are lies. No two ways about it. Those things are lies.
Anyone or anything that tries to tell you to stay the same and stay in your (or their) comfort zone, is a disruption and a distraction. It may sound too simple, but that's the truth.
We should want each other to grow and change. We should want each other to become healthy people who know how to take care of themselves. If those are not the people or places you are encountering, it may be time to reevaluate.
I heard a recent divorcee say, "I didn't change, they did." Being in relationship with anyone is not about getting together and staying the same. It is not about reaching a point in your life where you say, "I am complete as a person, now I want to find another complete person and we'll be the same people forever." YOU ARE SETTING YOURSELF UP TO FAIL.
Biologically we are not even the same people over time. Our cells regenerate and eventually we are a completely "new" person. How can our emotional state be any different?
When we are in the midst of change, I know others changing around us can feel unsafe. It's because it is. There are variables at work and none of us know who the other will be on the other end of that growth and change. It's ok. The better we become, the better people we attract to ourselves. Usually it's other people who also are becoming better.
There is always going to be risk. We have to risk ourselves in order to gain great things. But risk and sacrifice are not the same thing. And do not confuse intention with action.
I know even though we realize things, we can't always act on them right away. Be persistent though. It does get easier, but new things always take practice. If true, deep change was easy, we would have done it long ago.
I hope you are all having a great Sunday and finding your peace today too.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Honor Talk
As many of you know I work in the jewelery industry. So as expected, I work with a lot of couples. All forms of them, dating engaged and married.
There is something that I have noticed lately and the trend is saddening to me. I listen to people everyday strip away honor from each other in the way they talk both to each other and about each other when the other is not around. They complain about their marriage and/or relationship as if that's just what people do.
Granted, I am not in these relationships and we all need to vent sometimes, but I wonder how much better their relationships would be and could be if they worked on building each other up instead of tearing each other down. It seems like people look at marriage and relationships as things you should complain about. That the situation these people are in was not a place they went willingly.
Men, how would you feel if your wife was complaining about you all the time and talking about how much of a drag it was to be married to you?
Women, how would your husband feel if he heard you talk about him as if he was just an item you checked off your life list.
It may be said in a joking manner, but it still does it's damage. Ladies, how about complimenting your husband and honoring the things in him that make him a great man to the people you are talking to.
Men, how about talking about how beautiful your wife is or what an amazing mother she is to your children instead of referring to her as the old ball and chain.
The same goes even if you are not married and only dating.
When we speak things out loud, we reinforce things and build new "truths" in our lives. So if you want to feel bad about your relationship, keep finding all the bad in it and telling it to each other and to people you know. (Or even people you don't know)
Try next time, building your partner up, and reinforce the things you love in them and more importantly the things you like in them. Because the more you disrespect them, the more you will solidify disrespect in your relationship.
I believe in healthy relationships and I believe in marriage. I believe that it can all be amazing, but you need to take responsibility for your part in making it amazing.
Be honoring in your actions and in your words. It will change things.
There is something that I have noticed lately and the trend is saddening to me. I listen to people everyday strip away honor from each other in the way they talk both to each other and about each other when the other is not around. They complain about their marriage and/or relationship as if that's just what people do.
Granted, I am not in these relationships and we all need to vent sometimes, but I wonder how much better their relationships would be and could be if they worked on building each other up instead of tearing each other down. It seems like people look at marriage and relationships as things you should complain about. That the situation these people are in was not a place they went willingly.
Men, how would you feel if your wife was complaining about you all the time and talking about how much of a drag it was to be married to you?
Women, how would your husband feel if he heard you talk about him as if he was just an item you checked off your life list.
It may be said in a joking manner, but it still does it's damage. Ladies, how about complimenting your husband and honoring the things in him that make him a great man to the people you are talking to.
Men, how about talking about how beautiful your wife is or what an amazing mother she is to your children instead of referring to her as the old ball and chain.
The same goes even if you are not married and only dating.
When we speak things out loud, we reinforce things and build new "truths" in our lives. So if you want to feel bad about your relationship, keep finding all the bad in it and telling it to each other and to people you know. (Or even people you don't know)
Try next time, building your partner up, and reinforce the things you love in them and more importantly the things you like in them. Because the more you disrespect them, the more you will solidify disrespect in your relationship.
I believe in healthy relationships and I believe in marriage. I believe that it can all be amazing, but you need to take responsibility for your part in making it amazing.
Be honoring in your actions and in your words. It will change things.
Surrogate Girlfriend, Do You Have One?
This note is for the fellas, but ladies can learn from this as well.
I have been talking to a lot of my friends about this topic and I think it needs to be addressed.
A lot of you out there have what I call Surrogate Girlfriends.
What is a Surrogate Girlfriend or a SG as I like to call them?
Well, it usually begins when a guy is single. This is the girl"friend" you have that you spends tons of time with doing date like things but never doing "those" date like things. You know, you guys go to the movies, see shows, go to dinner, etc. etc. However, there is no making out. This type of relationship tends to last until you get an actual girlfriend.
Now when you get an actual girlfriend, one of three happens.
First, that girl"friend" respects your new relationship and backs off and you guys spend appropriate time together for two friends who are not dating and not going in that direction.
The second thing that could happen is that girl"friend" has developed feelings for you and gets sad and angry that you didn't pick her so she disappears is never to be heard from again. You and your new lady move on and hopefully live happily ever after.
And the third thing is that your girl"friend" does have feelings for you and sticks around hoping that you have feelings for her. She will still try and keep the same closeness you guys had before. The closeness you should be giving to your new lady. She will cause drama where there is none. She will try and get you to act like her boyfriend even though you are not.
If #3 is the case, you have a SG on your hands.
Many of you, have not really looked at this. You say to yourself and others, "Oh her, she's just going through a lot," or "She's just that way."
No fellas, she wants to be your girlfriend and will subtly sabotage anything new in your life. I have watched this happen time and time again to many good men and good relationships.
Now don't get me wrong, it is always good to have reasonable voices in your life that hold you accountable for actions and to make sure you're not dating a psycho. I'm all for that. That what real friends do. SG's do not do this. They will work to turn all the attention back to them.
As long as you have an SG in your life, you are gonna have real hard time.
Some things to look for:
1. She looks to you for her compliments and to make her feel good about herself (granted there are deeper issues here, but read on.), "Johnny, do you think I'm pretty, attractive, sexy...?" You may want to be the good guy and tell her of course you think she is pretty, attractive, sexy....If you're single this is not so bad, but possibly and probably an indicator of interest. If you are dating someone, there is NO REASON for her to come to you for her "make me feel pretty" fix. You need to focus the "I think you are attractive attention" to the woman you are dating.
2. The need for physical touch. Does she hug you and linger? DOes she rest her head on your shoulder? Does she wanna lay down with you? If you think this is not so bad, ask yourself, "Would I want the girl I'm dating to be laying down with some guy that's "just a friend." Biz Markee knows what he is talking about.
3. She is a little too on board with the new girl you are dating. Does she want to come along on your dates? Does she sings your lady's new praises a little too loud. This all may be here trying to cover for her own feelings and show you how great she, your SG, really is.
4. If #3 is happening, she may then start dropping subtle catty doubt bombs. These are such things as, "Yeah, she's pretty, but I don't think she really got the movie." It starts small, but if you allow these doubt bombs to go off, your SG will build bigger ones. "Like, I think she's too critical of you. I like you just how you are."
5. She will try and spend alone time with you. The SG is crafty. Since you, as a typical guy will do, will be spending a lot of time with your new lady, you will not have as much time for your SG. As it should be. However, your SG will start to find new and creative ways to spend time with you. "I need to find a new car, but I don't want to get taken, so will you come with me?" If you go, she will then try and turn it into a longer event that first intended. She will suggest a meal or another errand she just has to run.
I know you may be saying, that's not what she's trying to do, it's innocent. Fellas, with an SG, nothing
is innocent.
6. She says your too picky about the women you date. What she is really saying is I wish you were dating me. It's that simple.
And ladies, be on the look out for the SB or Surrogate Boyfriend, all this can show up in them too. But today, I'm talking to the fellas.
If you have questions, let me know. If you have a SG, have a talk with her. If that doesn't do it, time to redefine that relationship by cutting her lose. It may sound cold, but it will help you in the long run.
I have been talking to a lot of my friends about this topic and I think it needs to be addressed.
A lot of you out there have what I call Surrogate Girlfriends.
What is a Surrogate Girlfriend or a SG as I like to call them?
Well, it usually begins when a guy is single. This is the girl"friend" you have that you spends tons of time with doing date like things but never doing "those" date like things. You know, you guys go to the movies, see shows, go to dinner, etc. etc. However, there is no making out. This type of relationship tends to last until you get an actual girlfriend.
Now when you get an actual girlfriend, one of three happens.
First, that girl"friend" respects your new relationship and backs off and you guys spend appropriate time together for two friends who are not dating and not going in that direction.
The second thing that could happen is that girl"friend" has developed feelings for you and gets sad and angry that you didn't pick her so she disappears is never to be heard from again. You and your new lady move on and hopefully live happily ever after.
And the third thing is that your girl"friend" does have feelings for you and sticks around hoping that you have feelings for her. She will still try and keep the same closeness you guys had before. The closeness you should be giving to your new lady. She will cause drama where there is none. She will try and get you to act like her boyfriend even though you are not.
If #3 is the case, you have a SG on your hands.
Many of you, have not really looked at this. You say to yourself and others, "Oh her, she's just going through a lot," or "She's just that way."
No fellas, she wants to be your girlfriend and will subtly sabotage anything new in your life. I have watched this happen time and time again to many good men and good relationships.
Now don't get me wrong, it is always good to have reasonable voices in your life that hold you accountable for actions and to make sure you're not dating a psycho. I'm all for that. That what real friends do. SG's do not do this. They will work to turn all the attention back to them.
As long as you have an SG in your life, you are gonna have real hard time.
Some things to look for:
1. She looks to you for her compliments and to make her feel good about herself (granted there are deeper issues here, but read on.), "Johnny, do you think I'm pretty, attractive, sexy...?" You may want to be the good guy and tell her of course you think she is pretty, attractive, sexy....If you're single this is not so bad, but possibly and probably an indicator of interest. If you are dating someone, there is NO REASON for her to come to you for her "make me feel pretty" fix. You need to focus the "I think you are attractive attention" to the woman you are dating.
2. The need for physical touch. Does she hug you and linger? DOes she rest her head on your shoulder? Does she wanna lay down with you? If you think this is not so bad, ask yourself, "Would I want the girl I'm dating to be laying down with some guy that's "just a friend." Biz Markee knows what he is talking about.
3. She is a little too on board with the new girl you are dating. Does she want to come along on your dates? Does she sings your lady's new praises a little too loud. This all may be here trying to cover for her own feelings and show you how great she, your SG, really is.
4. If #3 is happening, she may then start dropping subtle catty doubt bombs. These are such things as, "Yeah, she's pretty, but I don't think she really got the movie." It starts small, but if you allow these doubt bombs to go off, your SG will build bigger ones. "Like, I think she's too critical of you. I like you just how you are."
5. She will try and spend alone time with you. The SG is crafty. Since you, as a typical guy will do, will be spending a lot of time with your new lady, you will not have as much time for your SG. As it should be. However, your SG will start to find new and creative ways to spend time with you. "I need to find a new car, but I don't want to get taken, so will you come with me?" If you go, she will then try and turn it into a longer event that first intended. She will suggest a meal or another errand she just has to run.
I know you may be saying, that's not what she's trying to do, it's innocent. Fellas, with an SG, nothing
is innocent.
6. She says your too picky about the women you date. What she is really saying is I wish you were dating me. It's that simple.
And ladies, be on the look out for the SB or Surrogate Boyfriend, all this can show up in them too. But today, I'm talking to the fellas.
If you have questions, let me know. If you have a SG, have a talk with her. If that doesn't do it, time to redefine that relationship by cutting her lose. It may sound cold, but it will help you in the long run.
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