You should get what you deserve.

I just got back from a nice long weekend in Northern California for my cousins wedding. She married one of Oakland's finest and are now off on their mini-moon.

I love weddings. It's the girliest thing about me. I love shows about weddings, wedding magazines and going to weddings. I've been to a lot in the past few years.

Maybe I love them so much because as a girl, it's one of the things I have not yet experienced so I can dream big when it comes to it. Maybe I wont be so into them after I have my own. I don't know, I'm not there yet.

Even though I like to flip through the pages of Martha Stewart Weddings, being in and going to a number of weddings has made much more realistic about what I would truly want on that day. Dreams can be hard to alter though.

This comes in to play with relationships as well. As I've said before I work in the jewelry industry. Many times, I have helped girls who are more interested in the quality of their diamond than the quality of their partner.

Lately I 've been talking to some friends who are in relationships that look good on paper, but don't really work in reality. And as time goes on, it becomes harder for them to walk away from that relationship.

For some it has to do with the time they have put in. For others, it has to do with feeling like they might miss out on this someone becoming great.

I know it is hard to walk away from those situations. Breaking up and moving on from a relationship is hard and it hurts. It's hard and hurts no matter what. But if the person you are with is not treating you in an honoring way, it 's time to go. If your partner has asked you to set yourself esteem aside so they can feel better, it's time to go. If you are waiting for he or she to become the person you want and they are not that person now, it's time to go.

Understand, I don't write from a place of successful relationships. If I was, I would be telling you all about my wedding. However, I write from a place of finding myself in the midst of those type of relationships and spending way too much time with someone that was not a good fit for me.

Are you settling? Are you worried you will be alone? Then maybe it is time for you to be alone for a while and do the work it takes to find out what you deserve and how you should be treated.

In the Bible, it says a man is supposed to love his wife like Christ loved the church. Which in turn means, he treasured them and died for them. Whether you believe in Jesus or not, it's a good precedent.

We all deserve to be treasured. We all deserve to love and be loved exactly where we are at. But real love does not bring fear or harm. It does not rob you of your self esteem or dignity. If the "love" your are experiencing is bringing those things, it's not love and it is really time to leave. It will be hard but it will be worth it.

One of my favorite parts of my cousins wedding was watching her and her new husband "pogo" together to one of their favorite songs. Watching how they played together said a lot about how they are going t live together. I know how much he cherishes her and how much she adores him.

I hope we all find that someone to pogo with.

Seperation Between Church and Work?

I was listening to a This American Life podcast yesterday. It was their "Poultry Slam 2008" episode. A show dedicated to birds and the supernatural.

One of the stories was about a labor dispute that has been going on in a poultry processing plant in North Carolina. The workers in this plant have been trying to unionize due to horrible unsafe working conditions and their rights being violated. A few years back, the man who leads the workers in this effort, went and talked to the plant managers Episcopal priest in an attempt to see if he could appeal to the managers core value system. The idea that if a man claimed to be a Christian and to follow Christ, shouldn't that man be treating his workers better. Shouldn't that manager be standing with the poor and weak and helping them instead of hindering them.

The priest did come down to the plant on the day of the union vote to talk to the manager, ultimately it seems, the manager felt the priest was involving himself in something that was none of his business.

The reporter of this particular story also cited other examples of workers talking to clergy of all walks about  helping their causes in situations where the workers rights were being violated.

What is the job of clergy in modern day? Is bringing a priest, pastor, or rabbi in to deal with such matters going to far? How far should the influence of a person's community reach?

In the past and even in some places today a man and his boss would have attended the same church.Would that circumstance make it more acceptable for clergy to be involved? Should clergy be involved at all?

I am interested to hear your thoughts on this.

May your work week be peaceful and safe.

Knock It Off!

Sorry it's been almost 10 days folks. Life has been throwing a lot at me and I've needed to make space for things like cleaning and more cleaning. We've also been on the hunt for a roommate and my Dad had eyelid surgery yesterday. Things are still hectic, but here I am where I still should be, writing.

Today I had to drive to downtown LA for work. I do the drive a few times a month. Usually I listen to Cd's or my Ipod in the car. Today though, I actually turned on the radio. KROQ played a song by Big B called "Sinner."
Below are the lyrics:

I know, I know, I live the life of a sinner
But when it comes to other women, you're the only one hun so this is the beginning
Let's go, let's go
Let's live the life of a sinner
And we'll be living on the run, right here in the California sun

First of all I'd like to thank you for accepting this collect call
And to tell you that what you're bout to here is sincere
It's not the drugs or the alcohol
I know you said that it had to end
I don't expect you to bail me out again
But right now girl, you're my only friend
It's true, I did you wrong, for way too long
But that's the past so let's move on
It's a new song, so let it play on and on
From dusk to dawn
'Till the neighbors complain
Or the cops come

Oh the life of a sinner
In the California sun

I know, I know, I live the life of a sinner
But when it comes to other women, you're the only one hun so this is the beginning
Let's go, let's go
Let's live the life of a sinner
And we'll be living on the run, right here in the California sun

I wouldn't blame you if you just hung up
I understand that you're getting fed up
I can't say that this is the last time that this will happen
But I try, oh yes, I try
I say I wanna change, but I lie, oh yes I lie
And you know I stay consistent, yeah I ain't perfect but at least I admit it
And I ain't never gonna change, and don't forget it.

I know, I know, I live the life of a sinner
But when it comes to other women, you're the only one hun so this is the beginning
Let's go, let's go
Let's live the life of a sinner
And we'll be living on the run, right here in the California sun

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

Why don't you come and take a trip on the dark side
Just me and you sitting side by side
You can't knock [? ] until you seen it
I said this'd be the last time but this time I mean it
So let your head down, let your shoes get dirty
Let's take it slow yo there's no need to hurry
I'm a hold your hand the whole way so girl don't worry
No, don't worry

Na na na na na na No don't worry na na na na na na na na na na na na

I know, I know, I live the life of a sinner
But when it comes to other women, you're the only one hun so this is the beginning
Let's go, let's go
Let's live the life of a sinner
And we'll be living on the run, right here in the California sun
Let's go, let's go
Let's live the life of a sinner
And we'll be living on the run, right here in the California sun

 I'm not going to go on about how he should look for redemption. (Although I think we can all be redeemed.) What strikes me is the idea of asking someone to settle.

Love songs used to be about love, or I've done you wrong  and I've changed and please take me back. There seems to be a whole slew of songs and ideology out there about the idea that we should settle for what we've been dealt and not look for any better. The idea that people can treat us badly and that because we've known them for a time, that we should just accept their bad behavior.

What a crock of s#*t that idea is!!!

I'm sorry I just don't think we need to settle for people being bad or behaving badly towards us  and others.

We all have that friend that acts jerky more than not, but no one calls them out on it. We need to. We need to truly be that persons friend and have a hard, yet truthful talk about the way they affect us. It might feel awkward, but it will cause your friendship to grow.


I know a lot of people who say people cannot change. They just are as they are and we need to accept them as such. I think people stay the same because we allow them to. Think about the people who have caused the greatest change in your own life. I bet that change wasn't easy at the time, but you probably look back and are thankful for it. We need to be catalysts for each other.



Granted, I don't want every interaction with my friends to be "hard" conversations. But I wouldn't really feel like someone was truly my friend if they couldn't call me out on bad behavior.


And those people who keep trying to send the message that you need to just accept their bad behavior may need to be gone  from your life. I know it sounds cliche, but they just want to drag you down with them and keep you on their level so they don't have to grow.

Who is your life are you telling it's okay to behave badly? Who could you be a catalyst for? These are not always easy questions to ask, but they are worth answering.

Ok, that's it for now, my brain is fried and I need to turn it off for a while. I will see you all sooner than  later.

Did You Get My Meaning? Yeah, If You Meant to Be a Jerk! (Challenge 5)

I try not to write like an extended Hallmark Card. I don't want to come across sounding trite or overly touchy feely. I strive to be genuine and write from a place we all come from at some time.

I really feel like even though we live in a time where we can be communicated with at any time, I don't believe we are really communicating most of the time. Textual communication (including this blog) can lose all tonal context, all emotional emphasis and sometimes do more damage than good. It has bled over into our speaking interactions as well. I don't believe we are as choosy with what we actually say to people because we are so used to textual chit-chat and assumptions that the other person will "know what we meant by that text." We should be in a place where we are checking in more with each other, but we are checking in less.

Have you ever been to a party where there's a guy or girl who has to make a comment about every conversation or every person? Then by the end of the night you are so annoyed by them you wished you had never met them in the first place. Social networking sites have made all of us that guy or girl at some point. Some of us are still that guy or girl.

Granted, I update Facebook and Twitter in the go, I'm not free from that. But I really watch myself on when I'm doing it. I watch people pull our their Iphones, Droids, and Blackberrys at the worst times though. I have had friends say they have missed talking to me and then in the middle of our conversation pull out their phone and start messing with it all under the caveat of, "keep talking, I'm listening." It devalues the whole situation and I've been guilty of it too.

So here is the next challenge in the returning dignity project and really in the, "I want to be a better friend and listen more so I value you project."

Challenge 5: Work to increase your vocal communication and to decrease your textual communication This means call someone instead of text if possible. (Phone we actually designed to talk on. I know crazy right?) Actually work to see someone face to face. And when you do keep your phone in your pocket or in your purse and give them your full attention. Let them know you value you them completely. If you need to use textual communication, make sure you are checking in with someone and acknowledging the textual communication with verbal communication.

This projects goal as I have said many times before is to make everyday interactions more genuine. Real relationships aren't built out of comments and quips. They are built our of spending intentional time interacting with one another.

I hope this challenge helps you find your relationships getting stronger and better.

Membership Has It's Concerns

I was part of a discussion last night about what made a community that I take part in, good. What was right about it and was working or firing?

The main idea people kept coming back to was that it was a truly safe place. Not safe in the sense that deals with physical safety. Safe in the sense that deals with emotional and personal safety. The safety you can feel when people allow you to truly be who you are and where no one is trying to fix you. And for some people that personal and emotional safety ties directly into their physical safety, e.g. not having to worry about hate crime.


It was clear that the community is a safe place. But what truly safe places do we have in our daily lives? And are we someone who is making it safe for someone else?

It saddens me that places which claim to be safe such as churches, are not really safe for so many people. They may tout that "all are welcome," but when you get down to the nitty gritty of it, it's just not true. But by no means are churches the only offenders. (I do go to church by the way)  There are social clubs and organizations all around the world that say you are welcome if you look and act just like us.

That doesn't leave much room for everyone else.

Even if you don't meet every week, I think we can personally work on giving people safe places. However, in order to do that, it means we need to be willing to accept people exactly where they are at. We cannot shy away from their brokenness. We need to let them share it and just be who they truly are. At the same time, we do not need to fix them. We do not need to have all the answers. Sometimes people just need to talk, people just need to be listened to.

I'm sure if we all dig a little deeper, we will find that there is hunger for true safety and true freedom as we all stumble along together. If we want to be safe, we need to make sure we are making it safe for others. That we don't put issues above someones dignity or life. That we show each person that in the midst of brokenness they still have great value. That we can show each other love.

Becasue You Asked....

Cleaning yesterday got me to thinking about people who are no longer in our lives. I'm not talking about people who have passed on but those who are very much alive, but we are no longer in relationship with them.

Sometimes it has to do with our own growth. People do outgrow each other sometimes. Many times in that situation, it is our own choice to move on. That makes it a little easier.

Other times, it is due to a break up or should I say break down of a relationship, most often romantic.

As a teenager, things were always much more dramatic when it came to love and the loss of that love. I know many of us can recall a time when we fought so hard and probably as we thought then, so romantically, to win that person back. I can also recall that not really working so well and causing more damage.

I would love to claim that all my adult break ups have been calm and mature. That is not the case. When emotions and especially strong emotions get involved, it's very hard to walk away or truly leave someone alone. That comes a lot from our own need for self preservation and desire for something not to be over. Then when we realize that it is truly over, we then seek the need for closure. Without closure, it can seem like the relationship never happened.

Here's the hitch. We expect people in the end of a relationship to behave in ways they never did in the relationship. It doesn't really work that way.

For example: If you were in a relationship with someone who ran and hid every time there was conflict, why would you expect them to face you during the conflict that comes with the end of the relationship?

My friend was wondering aloud the other day why his ex-girlfriend had not contacted him since their break-up.

"When you broke up with her, did you ask her to leave you alone for a while?"
"Yes, I told her I needed to have time to sort things out and protect myself for a while."
"Well, she hasn't contacted you because you asked her not to and she is respecting that request."
"Oh...but I still figured she would call or email or something."
"So you didn't really want her to leave you alone? What you really wanted was for her to chase after you."

He looked a little dumbfounded.

"I guess so."

If we are looking at how our relationships are going, we need to examine not just the big things and grand moments. We need to think about the small things we said. Did we actually want the person to read our mind and to "know" what we needed? Are we not in relationship with that person anymore because the person was actually responding to the exact words we said and are acting on them?

I'm not saying that looking at every little thing in a damaged relationship will fix it. That can do more damage than good. But what I am saying is that we do need to pay attention to the things we say and the needs we express. If we want a desired result, we cannot set the other person up to fail. We need to communicate our needs and not force the other person to go digging around to get to the heart of the matter. In other words, we all need to start being more honest. If we are as honest and respectful to someone in a break up as we were when we first began that relationship, both people will come away better for it.

I pray that all your relationships grow stronger every day. I pray you can hold onto the people you should and let go of those who need to move on.

Cleaning and Moving and Monkeying Around

I have been cleaning out things today. My email inbox being the most recent thing. I came across a lot of emails that I forgot I had kept. I had 708 messages. Now granted many of those were from email lists. But some of those emails were from times past and from people who were only in my life for a season. And some that surrounded painful times and times of extreme growth due to that pain.

I deleted a lot of emails today, there are only 37 left now.

Those were things I needed to let go of. Things I needed to clean out of my life. I know it sounds a little dramatic for email, but we are in a space where deleting emails is like throwing away old cards and letters. It's not always easy and it's not always fun. In fact it made me a little tired as it had me thinking back to events and people that I have parted ways with. Some I am glad to be free from and some that were harder to let go of. But there really is a freedom in hitting the "empty" button on my trash. Those ties to the past are gone and I am a little freer for it.

It has me thinking about other things that we tie ourselves to by keeping those things around. Maybe it's a trinket or a postcard. Many times it's photos or messages.

The question is: Are we tying ourselves to things that are adding to our life or weighing us down?

I'm not saying to throw all sentimentality out the door. I am definitely a sentimental person. But are we holding onto that "thing" that is keeping us from moving forward?

A friend of mine and I were talking once about moving on and he compared it to a monkey swinging on vines through the jungle. The monkey has to let go of the last vine in order to keep swinging and moving forward. If not, he'll just hang there between two vines, not going anywhere. Are you just hanging there?

Letting go of these things can lead us to let go of the emotional ties that bind as well. I know that cleaning out these things can be hard or, but it really is a step forward and into more growth. We need to keep growing and evolving. If not, we will die.

I'm off to clean more, to rid myself of more and make space for the better things to come. I hope you can get some cleaning done this week as well.